DREAMS

“The biggest adventure you can ever take is

to live the life of your dreams.”

— Oprah Winfrey

I still dream of a life yet fulfilled.  I still dream of building my dream plantation style home that is 2 stories, with a rocking chair on the front porch and a swing in the back yard,  On the inside it would have a state of the art chef kitchen, and the master suite would be huge with a large walk in closet with plenty of space for all of my shoes LOL ( and extra space to buy more shoes). In the back yard would be the mother in law quarters where my mother would live. Don’t get me wrong I love my momma, but we both need our space and this way she has her space and we have ours lol.

I want to go back and finish my degree in education and stand before a class and teach. Working with gifted and special needs students is my calling and something I would do for free simply because I love the look kids get when figure out the answer for the first time and that “light bulb”  goes off. There is nothing better than that feeling for a teacher. When I pregnant with the twins I taught one summer in Georgia and I promise you I heard angels sing and the heavens opened up and God said this is where you belong.

I would have my dream truck of a black on black Ford 150 step side pick up truck. That is fully loaded and the back window would have the Longhorn emblazoned on it as well as my business logos.

Along with all of these awesome things at the end of the day I want to be happy with myself… I want to be in love with myself… I want to see myself as God sees me…then once I achieve this perhaps all the rest of life will make sense.

If I centered myself and accepted it, then

“Of all the paths you take in life,

make sure a few of them are dirt.”

— John Muir

I would be on the path to true happiness. I would have to say one of the happiest memories I have was when I a child was me and my brother walking home from school through the dirt path from Griffin Elementary. It was red dirt and rock path that would lead to our house that was shared with our grandfather, uncle and mother. Living in a generational home was the best way to grow up for me and I wanted that for my kids. I had that for a while when my mother lived with us for awhile in GA, but I was always caught in a rock and hard place because she and my husband could never get along.

They would always place me in the middle of their fights there began the descent of my depression and deep despair. It got the point I never wanted to get out bed and when I did I was autopilot.  If it were not for my kids I do not know if I would not have sought help at all, but I did and was placed on medication. However, now that medication in my opinion does not work anymore and I rely on prayer. But the devil is really good because there are times he will have believe that God does not hear my prayers or want to hear from me.  I know devil is a liar.

I want to take some time to thank God for those that truly care and those that reach out to me because they love me. They know who are they are so I don’t have to name them. Just know that I love you and I thank God for you.

To Mek I love you and I miss you very much I now understand why you did what you this past Thanksgiving. I saw the dullness in your eyes, the lost look and pain your eyes and your soul and I should have reach out, but I did not reach out. I think you every day and night  and I pray that one day God will bless us to be together again soon in his time frame. I see your beautiful smile every day on my phone since I made you a screen saver. It lights up my day and reminds me to smile and think about what I have here… my kids and the joy they bring me even when they are getting on my nerve LOL!

I smile when I think of being with Grams, grandfather, and Uncle Sunny again. I look their pictures every day remembering all the times growing up and how special those times are to me now. How greatful I am to have those memories of you all! No One can take those from me ~ those memories are my true happy place and where I go in my mind when I fall in that damn rabbit hole of depression.

I found this word on Instagram: Ataraxia ~ A state of freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety; tranquility.

Ahhh that is what I am seeking… however, the true question is will I ever find it?

At this moment I really do not really know…. how sad is that?

TRAILS

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where

there is no path and leave a trail.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Familiar paths in my life have been all but destroyed over they years. It does not matter how I have tried to rebuild my dreams be like the Phoenix and rise from the ashes.

Does not matter when the one that God gives you to share your dreams, kids, and life with is the one that trashes your dreams without knowing he is doing it with every single word and action. Every slip of his lip he just gets me to add brick to my wall that already higher than Great Wall of China.

Let me give you a prime example ~ I have 3 classes to finish my Masters in Education and I asked to use his GI Bill numerous times and each time he told me no, because he wanted to go back to school. although, at this time he was still Active Duty Army and did not have the time. Recently, I asked him again and he said he would check into it. Do you think he has done it? No, he has not checked into in fact he has not even thought about it. How do I know you ask? Because, when it comes to me using his GI Bill to he has never wanted to let me use it.

When I became an entrepreneur and all the excitement I had to start my own business (Chloe+Isabel) and that excitement drained very fast around him. He does not help promote, sell or motivate me or my business any way. Does not help that after he retired from the Army he moved us to Swampville, USA where he knows everyone and I know no one (except my in laws).  Talk about separation anxiety and on set of depression baby you have no idea how it feel to be somewhere that has no jobs (I applied at WalMart, Walgreens, CVS, Verizon, etc and could not get work)  yet he says there are jobs here… I am screaming WHERE???? Then I when I added Younique to my repertoire talk about hearing crickets LOL the only people that where excited in this house were my daughter and I.

On a daily basis I take my kids to school, pick them up, run errands, wash dishes, do online parties, place online content, do the occasional vendor event, help the kids with homework, cook dinner (If I am up to it), teaching bible school, then I come home. I have no life here no friends (outside of Wendy). Then he gets mad when I states the fact and truth that if we lived in a bigger city I would have a great career and both my “side hustles” would making money hand over fist!  Now you may be asking then why not just move ~ his answer is “I hate big cities!” or “You can pack your shit and get your truck and go whenever you want too.” He knows full well that when I do go I am taking my kids with me and that does not phase him at all.

It’s only gotten worse because he just does not care how he talks to me in public. Frankly, I don’t care either because I give it back to him or I walk away.  Part of can’t stand him yet most of me still loves him.. Don’t ask me why… cuz I can’t give you an answer!

I actually did get a bit lost when

“I am no longer afraid of becoming lost, because the journey back always reveals something new, and that is ultimately good for the artist.”

— Billy Joel

We were stationed in GA. I was in our bedroom when I realized that wore several hats Army wife, mother, minister’s wife,  you name it I was doing it. I could not schedule anything for myself because my schedule rotated around my husband’s.  I really had no life in GA and hardly no friends ~ so  I was secluded in our house with the kids and my mother.

My only outing was taking my mom to the doctor, grocery shopping, taking my oldest to head start – you know regular  mom duties. That is when it hit it… I somewhere along the way on the journey I was walking lost myself. I got so wrapped up in being a wife and mother.. I lost who I was.

It did not help that when my mom moved in that she and my husband did not get along and would place me in the middle of their fights only to drive further into depression and despair.  The funny thing is one that is supposed to love you the most never even noticed how low and in what a dark place I was in and for how long I was in it that place. The only one that noticed was my mother no matter how hard I tried to mask it.

I finally talked to someone about the pain, the depression, the despair, the evil thoughts and I have been meds for them ever since. I still wear a cleverly placed mask at times and I still take the meds. I have my moments to this day where I sink down the black rabbit hole and he never realizes nor does he care that he places his foot on his head and keeps pushes me further down and if I didn’t have my faith, family and friends and of course I have three very special reasons to stay on this side of the top soil ~ my children.

Today, (as I write this and laugh to myself) I think I may need to find someone to talk to again. My Military Wives on Facebook is very comforting since we all have spouses with PTSD and anger issues. However, when you become more introverted as I have where you just seek to comfort of your own space because you just like the solitude and I never know who is going to walk through the door.

I find myself missing who I used to be and with saying that I have no clue who I am so who in the hell will I become?

 

Here’s what I am noticing about being on the scenic route toward my dream:

I would not call the route that I am on to my dream the “scenic” at all; however; I would call it hell and hard. Do not get me wrong I love my journey as and Entrepreneur I have learned a lot new things about the world, myself, my faith and who I can rely on and I can not.

If it was not for my mom being a steady customer and few others that keep my businesses afloat then I would be flipping burgers or actually where I live I would not because there are no jobs here whatsoever. Trust me because I have applied therefore I know.  Small town living is not for big city girls that is for sure, but you make choices for your families.

I think I actually stopped believing the easy way or scenic routes in life… they are more like fairy tales. While I love Disney princesses the older I get I tend to lean toward the villains in the stories. Call me a hypocrite, but at least the villains know what life about and they are not afraid to go after what they want in life no matter the risk!

It’s like the Joker he was not insane or mad ~ he was looking for acceptance and love. When he found Harley Quinn he found his soulmate and all that he true love. His happy space and he would do anything for his Queen and she would do anything for her Puddin. That is how is in business you find your niche and you will do anything to reach your goals. Even in marriage you think outside the box keep the other happy (think Christian and Anna).

I enjoy and love the both the products of the companies that I am with and the fact that they uplift women around the world is a beautiful bonus. I don’t sell Chloe+Isabel and Younique because I love both glitz and glamour of these products.  I believe my companies, the products, the empowerment of women, the uplifting and education of women which is what  C+I and Younique  stands for.

PS I will be gone Saturday, bur I will return Sunday!! I am going camping pray for you me ya’ll lol!

I want to say yes to

MANIFESTO

“Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees.

Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here.

Believe in kissing.

― Eve Ensler

I want to say yes to finishing my masters degree in education, building my dream home in (plantation style home), with a rose garden, and veggie garden. Celebrating 20 yrs with my husband and renewing our vows. I enjoy sitting in my office reading, watching tv, writing, creating content for my boutiques.

I would love for him to just once kiss my forehead and say something really sweet. Or find a babysitter and take me on date  to someplace nice where have to get dressed up and go to dinner after and maybe a movie. Perhaps go for a few weeks without blowing up at me or the kids. PTSD aside I think he is becoming like his dad and repressing some of his emotions therefore – solitude is my only friend here.  I have to wonder if moving here was to separate me from family and friends back home. I doubt it, but sometimes you never really know.

He has a good hear but he like I is bit jaded due to being hurt in the past. But I have never been one to lash out for no reason or  just curse in front of my  mom or kids. For that matter at all. #greatdad #goodboyscout #goodmechanic He does seek help and he does care. I do love him…

This ending was the beginning of

FIRE QUEEN

Was my beginning or so I thought.  This process is one that is going to take some time for me because as I am slowly seeing it is more about me appreciating finding out how to to love me, falling in love with me so that I can appreciate him and fall in love with him. This way we can appreciate each other more than we did as newly weds or even when we were dating. I think our best days were when when he was deployed because I missed him and I knew how much he meant to me and my life. He knew how much I meant to him and what it meant love someone that he lose at any moment being in the desert with bombs going off around him.

I remember waiting by the phone and keeping my laptop on at all times so that I could talk to him on messenger. It was the highlight of my day to hear from him and pure hell when I when I didn’t. Now, I am here living in a bubble of migraine hell and my safety and sanity is my office or my truck. What kind of life or marriage is that?  #dontjudge Yes I love him and yes I am still in love in with him #30daystochange This is change me which in turn will change him and us. #Godwilling We shall rise like the Phoenix from the ashes to be better than ever!

I am yearning

“I’m restless. Things are calling me away.
My hair is being pulled by the stars again.”

— Anaïs Nin

To be more than I am right now. I want to show my three children that there is more to life than a 9-5 career – don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with working in a office,but there I know there is more! There has to be! I am yearning to know what the Lord’s bigger picture of my life really and truly is.. I have asked and prayed he has not yet revealed it me.

He gave me both my online boutiques (Chloe+Isabel and Younique) and He is slowly making provision for both. I know that he does not give you a vision without provision. I run both of my businesses ALONE since my other half wants nothing do with it. Once my husband retired from the military we agreed that we would live in Texas where I knew I would get a job with no problem,but at the last minute he changed the game plan and moved us to the swamp and it is been ALL DOWN HILL ever since!

At one time I thought I had forgiven him, but I guess I have not done so fully as of yet. During one fight I told him about this and even turned my feelings around to make himself look like hero and make me look bad! Which is something he does frequently in a arguement. As much I love him and know that he is trying to change his ways this is one thing is hard for me get pass. I don’t know what that is. If you readers have opinion please let me know.

It’s sad I see so many of my Y sisters and Candi sisters hubbys and boyfriends out helping them with businesses, supporting them, doing parties for them, etc. What is mine doing? Absolutely nothing when we live in a tiny town where he knows absolutely everybody! How do you think that makes me feel? To have no family support? Except my mother and my friends…

I am beginning to

Release that as flawed as he is… he is trying and that is all that matters in the end. Now if could see that I am trying an to stop trying treating me like a child, throwing the “D” word out there every time there is a fight, telling me to pack up and move home because “he knows that is where I rather be.”

I would love it if he would he would live up the promises made years ago that we would never say or carelessly throw the “D word” out there. Let alone moving back home with the kids to raise alone (not that I couldn’t do it).

No matter what goes down between me and this man I still love him. I still believe that he was sent to me by God to be my husband, father to our kids, to grow old with, travel the world with, have grandkids with and that this is just set back is just setting us up for a MAJOR comeback!TRAUMATIZED LOVE

I am trying here

UNKNOWN

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do,

we have come to our real work

and when we no longer know which way to go,

we have begun our real journey.”

— Wendell Berry

I am trying here to be grateful for all that he does for us on a daily basis. Trust me he does he best and I don’t want to just be tedious and list the same thing over and over because nothing else comes to mind. This is where the tire hits the road. We have been together for 13 years now and I guess I have become jaded to the fact that he has never been home long enough to be appreciated fully.

He is retired from the US Army so he was either deployed or in the field. He was is a licensed preacher so he was either at church after work. So he was never home either way. I have to learn to forgive him for the way the treats me when his PTSD kicks into overdrive! I have not gotten that far yet, but I have prayed for a forgiving heart where this issue is concerned. I know that he had no control over his orders, but he did over what he did after work. Especially, since we have 3 kids together and should have been raising together.

He does take them to the park when he is dead tired after work, he is a lifelong Boy Scout and enjoys taking our twin boys to Tiger Scouts, likes helping our kids with homework projects, does the laundry, cooks a great gumbo, he great at camping, knows a lot of “useless” trivia would make a great Jeopardy party

I pray for passion and joy in our lives and marriage that we used to have to regained again. #passion #renewvows #renewlove #reviveourmarriage