I am sure you are asking yourself what in the hell does that mean? Trust me while I was taking a shower and God said this to me today I was saying that to myself – then it dawn on me that perhaps he is giving me a parable about myself to figure out. When it comes to figuring out my life problems I pray about them, write them out here or in the journal and move on with my day. I don’t really think any more about them after I do that because I believe that once I lay them at the altar I don’t need to pick them up again. So again, I ask how am I unbeliever yet a believer?
I know who I am and whose I belong to that is never to be questioned; however; when it comes to my petitions and prayers I have to keep praying about them for example uniting my aunts and my mother as sisters or uniting my nieces and my momma or reconnecting my marriage on a bigger level where God plays the biggest role between Doc and I instead of just praying over these once or twice (maybe 3 times) I have to stay in constant prayer and really believe that God will unite my family since my grandparents and uncles are dead my mom and her sisters are all that is left of my original family. I have to keep praying that my nieces will come to their senses that my mother is their grandmother and they need to do better by her and love her unconditionally because I had to the best being able to grow up in a generational home of my grandparents and they are missing out on that by shutting her out and being snotty, materialistic, and bunch bratty twits! As for my marriage, I love my Doc and I am in love with him more today than the day I married him; however, he and I changed with each deployment and field time while he was active duty. We both have and attitude yet I am not one to fight and I pick and choose my battles and wants to fight each one. Three kids and 11 years laters we are still together only through God’s grace and mercy! I know that Doc wants and deserves more intimacy and sex and this my issue and my issue alone that I have body issues and that I don’t care to have sex and therefore, avoid it. I have prayed in the past numerous times to change this about myself after about few months of steady prayer and nothing changing I gave up <—- the UNBELIEVER within BELIEVER!!!
You see I think when your unbeliever then this is expected and maybe if your Christian its expected to I really do not know. When you’re called to preach though all I can tell you is that I am human, I am woman, I am mom of 3, a wife, a writer/poet, singer, dancer, lover of my Doc’s soul and mind, a sojourner, and thanks to Miss Clara I becoming a prayer warrior.
I want to be soldier for the Lord that wakes me up every day in my right mind, keeps me going even though I am tired as dirt and sleepy to boot, pushes my boundaries and limits and tests my faith and I know I fail each test yet He loves me and holds me tight in arms no matter what. My God is amazing and unfailing His love and I know that I don’t deserve his Grace and Mercy each and every day YET He gives it to me anyway! I may not be a babe in my walk with God anymore and my miracles are not coming at the snap of a finger due to no longer being on formula (milk) and that’s ok —–> I grew in the word of God and yes I lose my way at times I am HUMAN (we are not fighting a war of human kind it is a war of principalities and there are days I leave the house without my Armour of God on) and its those days I fail every test, and my day is all f*$#ed up and I know and I say a fast prayer but I can enemy very loud on those days and I get beaten down and since I am in my truck and driving I don’t have a Bible near me and my brain seems to be void at that time of any bible verse to fight that evil minion! <—–BELIEVER WITHIN THE UNBELIEVER!
I just wrote down the verses in the picture above because I have said each one of those things in the past and I have said them recently. I admit that I am weak and I am under construction as a Christian. I am praying that God tears me down and rebuilds anew changing from inside out. I have to change me first before I can do anything for anyone else that is just psychology 101.
Stay Tuned for updates on my progress!