We had it out after church and the tears flowed! I finally told you that I think you’re bipolar and that you need to be checked out because I never know who is walking in the door. Is it you? Is it He? Or the other one? And you wonder why I seek the sanctity of my office? I don’t really care for the shows you watch about the WWI or II.. or anything to do with Hitler. I don’t want to watch the news. You don’t care to watch my shows either. I ask you about you day and listen and ask questions, but you don’t bother to ask about mine.
You throw in my face I stopped thanking you for the little things years ago; however; you fail to remember that I bring you lunch, snacks and cases of sodas to your job and you rarely say thank you. I cleaned your desk last week did you say thank you? No, you didn’t, but do I throw that in your in your face? No, I do not! The only time you come close and are remotely sweet to me is when you want sex. The old adage is true you are what you what attract.
I am not questioning your walk you and your faith, but I have to wonder which are the three sits in church and they see? You want to leave the only church we have attended as a family because of one person or because you said you feel because you do not feel accepted yet you are not the only one there like you. You put these videos on FB and preach and again I have to wonder how much what you teach do you really believe?
You don’t believe me and I know that love is not what say, but you do. It is the little things and I do A LOT of little things that you overlook (ie me cleaning your desk) and you never acknowledge. It is through this time that my faith and prayer life has grown so much and gotten so strong and for that I thank you! I will always love you and you will be the love of my life no matter of what you think of feel. I have learned to deal and with grace, mercy and love of God I have learned to deal you, He and the other.
My life is not easy being a wife of a soldier who is retired after 22.5 years dedicated service to this country who has come home after seeing who knows what. After doing who knows what. I have and continue deal with night terrors and everything. I am happy that he has sought help at the local VA for his PTSD and I think he is bipolar. I deal with the yelling, the accusations, the cursing, the mood changes, etc in stride because I have my faith and my God to hold on too. Recently, I found out I have a long time friend that is going through the exact thing I am through with her husband who has PTSD.
When your spouse (Active or retired soldier) has been deployed multiple times and they come back changed and at first they do not see it, but you do. I got very depressed after the 3rd deployment and he came home I could hardly get out bed and when I did it robotic – I just went through the motions of life. It was my momma who staying with us in GA that kept saying there is something wrong with my baby girl. She kept begging me to go see a dr if not for me then for my kids because I had no life in my eyes and no color LOL and for a bi-racial woman to have no color something is wrong. I waited for a long while before making that call hoping it would just go away on its on. I prayed well sorta and I cried A LOT. I barely ate, but I cooked and baked a lot sweets! Nothing I was doing I was doing was healthy in any way for me or my kids. I was doing everything HE was doing KEEPING IT IN!! And it was literally KILLING ME!
So, I made the call to the Military One Source to find a doctor to talk to about my feelings of helplessness and my depression. I had taken off my wedding rings and placed them on the dresser in our room. I slept upstairs and he slept on the sofa downstairs. Talking to someone felt good and then when I started this blog it felt even better.
Being the wife of someone with PTSD and who maybe bipolar is hard and very lonely; however; it is good to have a friend that knows what you are going through. I am forever grateful for her and I blessed to have her in my life we met on post in GA both had pugs as pets and have been friends every since!