Lost not yet found

Today is my gram’s birthday and she passed away March 2014. I reached for my cell phone to call her and realized that I can no longer physically call her on the phone.  I was just heating up some left overs when a wave of tears over came me and my husband never even noticed he just continued his tyraid about the kids not listening having to drive 700 miles round-trip to take his 13 yr old daughter (who I love dearly) back to Texas. Today has been rough on me and I didn’t think it would be for some reason. I love my gram’s more than anything in this world and at sometimes she was more of a mother to me than my own mother who I love deeply. Grams was 96 when God took her home and I wasn’t ready then and I’m still not ready to process her death now.  Part of me died with her in March 2014 just as part me died when my Uncle Sunny passed when I was child.  Noone can fill those spots.  Those giant ass holes in my spirit and heart.  Sad to say not even my husband or kids whom I love more than I love myself can fill those voids in my life. 

image

How do get close to someone when you hate the body your in?

It is 2015 and I have been researching tummy tucks and books jobs off and on for over a year now.  I look at  the after pictures and think that could be my body of day. Granted I had weight loss surgery about 3 years ago but I am NO WHERE where I want to be with body wise. While  I have not been diagnosed with  body dismorphia I believe I have it.  I can’t stand to look at myself naked and I don’t u dress in front of my husband.  He says I’m sexy and  beautiful, but I just don’t  see it. I see hanging skin, flabby  belly, flabby arms, fat thighs, multiple chins, etc.

image

This is how I want to feel, but doubt I will until I can fix myself and get to where I want be. Happiness until then is an illusion.