Guilt..In Tears

I have watched 2 episodes of Intervention about alcoholics who need help in the worse way. On the second episode there is a young man that flat out said “I hate my father!” and that hurt me to the core because he has a fucking father that he can try again an learn to live and let God. Me I don’t know who my sperm donor is!!! There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think what does he look like? Is that him over there? Would he be proud of me? Would he love me? These are questions I will probably never have that oppurtunity to find out. I am crushed…broken hearted….there are really no words to describe how I am or how I truly feel right now!

I am a fatherless daughter and that is a big freaking part of my pain today and this grown as man that is acting like a fool says he hates his father cuz he is a strung out on crack and booze? Your father can get clean and you can start over – me I have no where to freaking go cuz I don’t even know his name! All I know is from Lubbock, TX, is or used to be a truck driver, my mother and he were best friends and i was concieved in his truck!! Granted I know my mother never told him about me and I forgiven her for that. She in a way gave him permission to deny me without even knowing me!
The guilt is not about what this boy said about hating his father its about seeing my Uncle Sunny in every episode about alcoholism on intervention. Its about a little girl that is lost in a world and wondering if she could have effectively saved her uncle’s life. Its about a little girl that wants her uncle here with her so that she can hear his stories, see his face, hug him, see his smile,etc

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