Root to my evil

i hate my body

Every day I come to realize that the root to my evil, my depression, my lowly existance is that I am a fatherless child. I have great stand ins but they are not the ones whose seed that flows through out my body. My mother told my father’s name however when I go to ancestory.com, the internet, and other sources I cant find anything about him or his family. All that I have is what my momma told me about him.  It is very lonely being a fatherless daughter, but when you add on that I am now noones granddaughter since both my grams an gramps are gone. Who am I? Where do I come from? I used to to try to hide the hurt, but now I really just don’t care, but now i realize I can’t hide the hurt. This however most likely (I pray that it wont) be the end of my 10 year marriage because its causing me to withdraw more from him and find disgust when I look at him, because he is comfortable here, he has his father and mother here, he has his friends here, his oldest son here… what and who do I have here? NO FUCKIN BODY!!!

I am sure your asking what this has to do with my picture? It all adds into it to make the picture of me. I don’t look in the mirror bc I don’t like what I see. My once high cheek bones are slowly going away, my once 48 DDD’s GONE…I am now a push up bra maven and I hate it…I was once down 130lbs and i have gained most of the weight back because I lost the motivation to work out like I used too.. I used to work out 7 days a week for 30 mins to 1 hour 30 min a day sometimes I used to work out 2 times a day. Now my work out consist of getting up out of bed,  cleaning the house and blogging and studying for graduate classes. It got so bad that yesterday we went tot eh lake and I put on my cute swim suit and guess what I looked like a FAT ASS PIG in it so I just put on a big tee  shirt and shorts over it and left to try to enjoy the day. I absolute hate my body and everything else.

My evil roots run deep very deep and varied at best.. I can’t mask it anymore, yet I can’t shake it or move on from it till I find the help I need. I pray that my appt with the neurologist on the 31st of July will be able to help me move past this and get better and hopefully I can talk to a shrink and move past the fatherless daughter that I am and find some sort of happiness in myself, my marriage and life.