I don’t hate him, but I look at him with disgust

Tonight I looked at my husband and felt utter disgust not because I don’t love him bc I love him with all my heart and soul, but lives the life I can’t.  He gets to go outside and talk to others, see life, smell rain, go to Wednesday Bible study. For years I was never bothered because my kids were babies and they are still babies to me, but because they are too old for church day care and I can’t work outside the home my only human contact are my babies. Texting my rp twin sister, rp kids, brothers, my rl cousin here and there, my mom…and of course here in my bloggasphere. 

I can’t wait for school for my kids to start so that I can go to work during the day and talk to adults, smell rain, meet new ppl and actually miss my kids. Believe me when I say I gladly made the choice to be a SAHM and raise my kids because well I don’t trust ppl never have and I guess I never will, but at least with their teachers at school I can always drop in on the class, get my brother to pull a criminal report, talk to them at length and let them know what kind of mother I am and let them know their boundaries and to respect that line. Everyday I realize there is more to my depression than the death of my grams, and guilt of my uncle death years ago. The more I realize that is wrong with me the more I know that I need to talk to a specialist in this area because I am so sure that I am bipolar and clinically depressed, but of course I am no doctor and I need to go through my insurance to seek the help I need. I called a place called Longleaf here in the town where I live and they of course I was told that they can’t help me unless I am danger to myself or someone else. I am not sucidial or dangerous and was told that I need to talk to psychologist or psycharist…I am like duh thats why I called you, but oh well.. I hope and yes pray to find help somewhere some day… I am tired.. mentally drained…and physically sick… 

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