Remembering Back When

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I learned early on that a smile and good disposition is what people want to see in this world. They don’t want to know that your hurting, sad, depressed, bipolar,etc So a child being in pagents smiling and waving to people became what I do best. Only when I am pushed to the brink or corner do I fight back and even then that takes more out of me than anything else I do in this life. The song “Swing Low Sweet Chariot comnig forth to carry me home” is one of favorite songs because it sings of God coming down and picking me up and saying well done my daughter and welcome home. It is there that I am reunited with my Uncle Sunny, Walter, Bill, Grams and my grandfather. In my life I have lost more than half my family to cancer, naturally,etc… My grams was 97 when she died, grandfather in his 80’s, my uncles Sunny and Walter were both in the 40’s or 50’s. I was closest to my Uncle Sunny and my grandfather… I still feel guilty about the death of Uncle Sunny and when I watch shows like Intervention and the druggie is an alcoholic it just really hits home for me. Sunny was a gentle, joking and laid back drunk where as Walter wanted to fight and distroy stuff. It was later in Walter’s life that I took care of him until he in the hospice place he was living. I have been a care giver most of my life even as a child. I am the peace maker in my family and with my friends. I take on every problem as if it were my own. And I guess that is part of my problem, but the guilt is whats holding me. Watching this episode has physically made me sick that I had to run to the bathroom and puke, but my mom tried numerous times to get my Uncle Sunny help to taking him to treatment, the VA and other places, but he always found his way home and he would look at me and smile and tell funny jokes, but part of me knows that if I had of said stop please he would have at least tried. I am full of what if’s, why’s what fors…It is the IF’s that get you and keep you cuz you can NEVER answer them no matter how hard you or I try it can never be done!