Open Letter To Self (written July 26, 2014)

i hate my body  027 001 (2) - Copy

 

 

On July 26, 2014, I woke up to wanting to pop my head off my shoulders. I sit in office unser 2 fans (large fan on my dresser and 1 clipped to my desk) and 2 cieling fans. I have on dark shades and because I don’t quiet (well I do, but I don’t) the tv is on very very low. I haven’t  been outside becuase it is just to bright an the sun would just make my head explode. On the good side – I found some Christmas pictures from 1996 of family an one of grams. Looking at gram’s picture just makes me miss her more than I already do.

My shoulders are tense, left side of my head throbs and my kids just understand that momma  needs to hide and sleep to get better. It does not help that I caught a glimpse

of myself and I am not only FAT, DISGUSTING I now have 2!!! I am ANGRY, DISGUSTED, FAT, UGLY, GROSS,!!! WHY THE HELL AM I HERE?!?

FAT ASS BELLY

FAT ASS ARMS

2.5 CHINS

FAT ROLLS

BACK FAT

SMALL BOOBS

ALL THIS EQUALS = I HATE MY BODY!!

Guilt..In Tears

I have watched 2 episodes of Intervention about alcoholics who need help in the worse way. On the second episode there is a young man that flat out said “I hate my father!” and that hurt me to the core because he has a fucking father that he can try again an learn to live and let God. Me I don’t know who my sperm donor is!!! There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think what does he look like? Is that him over there? Would he be proud of me? Would he love me? These are questions I will probably never have that oppurtunity to find out. I am crushed…broken hearted….there are really no words to describe how I am or how I truly feel right now!

I am a fatherless daughter and that is a big freaking part of my pain today and this grown as man that is acting like a fool says he hates his father cuz he is a strung out on crack and booze? Your father can get clean and you can start over – me I have no where to freaking go cuz I don’t even know his name! All I know is from Lubbock, TX, is or used to be a truck driver, my mother and he were best friends and i was concieved in his truck!! Granted I know my mother never told him about me and I forgiven her for that. She in a way gave him permission to deny me without even knowing me!
The guilt is not about what this boy said about hating his father its about seeing my Uncle Sunny in every episode about alcoholism on intervention. Its about a little girl that is lost in a world and wondering if she could have effectively saved her uncle’s life. Its about a little girl that wants her uncle here with her so that she can hear his stories, see his face, hug him, see his smile,etc
I’M A LITTLE GIRL LOST!!!

Niece Of A Survivor

Pink Frosted Rose

 

My Aunt Evelyn is a breast cancer survivor and I just watched a episode of tatoo after dark and there was a lady that was on that is a breast cancer survivor that made me think of my aunty. The mother got a the pink ribbon piercing on her arm, the daughter pink ribbon and star on her foot and even the manager got one on his leg. Frankly, I know what the bible says, but self expression means alot to me  so I am looking into getting my next tattoo for my sons and perhaps a pink ribbon for my aunty.. She is the prettiest rose on the bush and her loving me is means more to me than anything.

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Cherry Blossom Tattoos 6

A New Day

DIVA ROCKIN THE DO

 

Today I got up and there was actually light instead of darkness in front of me, but that all came crashing down when I took my kids to VBS at our church and was told that my twin boys who are 4 years old could not come to VBS class unless I was going to stay with them cuz the little old ladies could handle 2 boys who have not been in school EVER!!! My kids are great kids and I don’t say that because they are mine, but because it is the true fact. When I was going to VBS as a child the ladies could handle ANY child, and ANY behavior – these old ladies can’t handle crap!

It doesn’t help when one pulled me aside and said “are you going to stay because we CAN”T PADDLE them.” Lay your hand on my child and I am going to lay my fist upside your head and my foot up your ass! You don’t touch my kids that’s my job not yours! My mom used to tell the principal of Griffin Elementary in Tyler, TX when he wanted to paddle my brother or me “THAT IS NOT YOUR JOB – I’M HIS/HER MOTHER AND IT’S MINE TO DISCIPLINE MY CHILD!” I told one woman if you can’t handle pair twin 4-year-old boys who only want play then what is your purpose cuz you don’t know what you’re doing. She was about to fix her lips to say something stupid and thought twice when I looked at her she quickly shut her mouth and I realized that I was just getting madder by being there (and this is CHURCH my CHURCH where I go to PRAISE GOD) and I know now why the pastor says there are WITCHES in the church and I believe that I found one today.

It is so sad that even in the church the DEVIL is present and running loose – its funny I always thought that was the one place the devil should flee and never want to be, but I know now that I am dead wrong. There are days that the darkness are more than I can stand and that it feels like God has given up on me and my situation, but today even through this mess I am feeling blessed and loved.  Somedays, I long for a margarita or martini and nicely hand rolled Cuban cigar a cabana on the beach to look out into the ocean and see beautiful fish, whales, dolphins, smell the fresh air, feel the sand beneath my feet – just be on the beach with a great book and no cares or worries for only a month…I wanna day without a migraine… a day without being lonely despite having a house full of people…a day without noise…. just a day to be at peace with self, God, Earth,etc..

Self Expression vs Living a Christian Life

 

I have always loved tattoos and Harley motorcycles (though I have never been on one). I know the Bible says that I am not supposed to make up my body (I have 1 tattoo already) I am not supposed to cut my hair (which I have done way to many times) but I want another tattoo a cherry blossom with 2 butterflies with my son’s names under the wings of the butterflies. My daughter has a butterfly with her name between the wings on my upper back and I want this tattoo under that one. Noone can see them let alone know they are there but me and my husband. Speaking of my husband he is a minster and he hated that I the one for my daughter and I know that he would hate me getting another, but for me its self expression and art. Its not like I am going to get a full sleeve or do my face although I may get my tongue redone or a my belly button done once I LOSE all this FAT again! 

Oh did I mention my husband has a tattoo on his back that he got way before I knew him and before he was called to ministry. He hates his tattoo and says he wishes he never got it, but thats his opinion of his tattoo. Mine have meaning and love behind them and they are beautiful its not like its skull and bones or RIP tattoo or the devil tattoos. However, I do love sugar skulls and want one as a tat on my back as well.. The only other place that I would think of getting a tattoo is on my upper thigh again noone would see it and frankly I really don ‘t think anyone at our church would care.

Another dilemma that I have to face and it is making my head hurt therefore its time to medicate myself and call it a night. I would LOVE to hear your opinion on this lovelies…

Lady Justice is sometimes a STUPID BITCH

I am watching a show called Juvinile Lifers and there is this 12 yr old boy that accidently in my opinion hurt his 2 yr brother who later died. His mother waited more than 8 hours to take her son to the hospital and by her waiting that long is what killed her 2 year old son. If she had called 911 right away her son could still be alive. The mother is going to prison for what she did, but what was she thinking leaving a 12 yr old to watch a 2 yr old? Where was the CPS agents? This boy at age 12 set in a police department ALONE where yes he was told his rights,but even I can see he didn’t understand what this female cop was talking about. Knowing that the judge he is going to be in court with sends ALL black and latino juveniles to ADULT prison at the highest rates in Jacksonville, Florida where they live is just crazy and insane!

On top of all of this they placed this CHILD in and adult correctional facility in isolation where he sat for 23 hours a day in his cell. He is not even tall enough to see of the freaking window of his cell without standing on his bed! Where is the common sense in this? Where is the rehabilitation in this? If they send this CHILD to adult prison he will not make it he will be killed and that is just the plain truth. He will be attacked and raped daily. This boy again is 12 yrs old where he was held in this adult jail for 3 freaking weeks! When I was younger I wanted to be a lawyer and fight this kind of injustice. Trust me I am not defending what the boy did – I am OFFENDED by the way he was treated by the police and legal system of this 12 yr old CHILD!!!! They say that Lady Justice is blind, but now I know she not only blind she is a crazy ass bitch that has no heart or feeling for the youth especially children that legally can’t talk, defend, understand what the hell is going on at that moment in their lives. In Jacksonville, FL this child is labeled as a super preditor now ask me if this child can even spell that let alone define it! Common sense should have told the detective that once the child said “what i just signed is between you and me right?” that he didnt understand anything that was going on. The fact he asked for his mother who is in the next room and was DENIED until AFTER they forced him to confess -HELLO he is 12 and wants his mother and he was DENIED!!! 

At least there are attorneys in Jacksonville that see just how corrupt this is and how adult prison is no place him or children like him! I guess since I chose not to go into law, but get my degree in education where I work in an inclusion classroom with special education children once I graduate from school. Eventually I will get a degree in Psychology so that I help special needs kids understand life and their parents truly understand their child from the inside out. I have love for kids and to see them mistreated by their families, the legal system or any way at all truly PISSES me off!!!

If you live in JACKSONVILLE, FL or the FLORIDA area and your a BLACK or BROWN child and commit a crime I hope and pray that you are backed by someone in the legal system that cares and do not end up on the middle finger of the courts and DA cuz they don’t are about you.. That is so sad and a shame to say, but its all that I see! 

Sighs…Somebody..Somewhere…Help me please

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I am not a cutter, drunk, drug user, abuser… I am none of that -what I am peacemaker in my family I feel everyones pain…yet noone feels mine…I help everyone yet I suffer alone…I watch shows that remind me things I try to forget but can’t really let go of…How do you let go of guilt of not living up to a promise you made your grandfather at 5… he reminded you of this promise on his death bed when your 14? How do let go of a man you have never met but told you look like and know that his blood runs through you – yet your fatherless daughter? How do let go of guilt of a dying uncle who drank to escape his life because he was hated by his baby sister (not my mom and aunt Baye – his sister Tricia) hated by his own father? This is the same uncle that died holding your hand in his hospital bed when the same said little sister told the doctor to shut off the breathing machines? How do you deal with the fact that your mother can’t stand your husband and your husband can’t stand mother and when she lived with you – your husband gave you the choice its her or me? How do you chose? I hate fighting and arguing so I generally shut down, cry in the shower, and walk away from it.. It doesnt get resolved it just gets swept under the rug on my end. I know why people who use drugs and drink they way the do – I can’t do it cuz its not in me to be drunk or druggie…There are a number of times i just sit in my office and think of how living my life this way and how I am just slowly dying inside and killing my marriage because I can’t talk to him and make him understand its not about you – its about me and my issues that I had b4 I even knew you.. the issues I got after I met you… the issues I have now…its all tied to my past and it is affecting me in the present and that is affecting you.. That is all that involves you is the here and now…Until I can heal my past me – i can’t heal my present me therefore there will never be a future me…I don’t heal me there wont be an us because you wont stay long enough for me to do it cuz you only want your needs met… your needs right now are not my needs right now…and its that I can’t get him to understand. Right now my stomach is killing me – its in knots so tight that it feels like its constantly going through this ringer being twisted over and over and over again without an end in sight. The nightmare continues.. how much more can I bare?

Root to my evil

i hate my body

Every day I come to realize that the root to my evil, my depression, my lowly existance is that I am a fatherless child. I have great stand ins but they are not the ones whose seed that flows through out my body. My mother told my father’s name however when I go to ancestory.com, the internet, and other sources I cant find anything about him or his family. All that I have is what my momma told me about him.  It is very lonely being a fatherless daughter, but when you add on that I am now noones granddaughter since both my grams an gramps are gone. Who am I? Where do I come from? I used to to try to hide the hurt, but now I really just don’t care, but now i realize I can’t hide the hurt. This however most likely (I pray that it wont) be the end of my 10 year marriage because its causing me to withdraw more from him and find disgust when I look at him, because he is comfortable here, he has his father and mother here, he has his friends here, his oldest son here… what and who do I have here? NO FUCKIN BODY!!!

I am sure your asking what this has to do with my picture? It all adds into it to make the picture of me. I don’t look in the mirror bc I don’t like what I see. My once high cheek bones are slowly going away, my once 48 DDD’s GONE…I am now a push up bra maven and I hate it…I was once down 130lbs and i have gained most of the weight back because I lost the motivation to work out like I used too.. I used to work out 7 days a week for 30 mins to 1 hour 30 min a day sometimes I used to work out 2 times a day. Now my work out consist of getting up out of bed,  cleaning the house and blogging and studying for graduate classes. It got so bad that yesterday we went tot eh lake and I put on my cute swim suit and guess what I looked like a FAT ASS PIG in it so I just put on a big tee  shirt and shorts over it and left to try to enjoy the day. I absolute hate my body and everything else.

My evil roots run deep very deep and varied at best.. I can’t mask it anymore, yet I can’t shake it or move on from it till I find the help I need. I pray that my appt with the neurologist on the 31st of July will be able to help me move past this and get better and hopefully I can talk to a shrink and move past the fatherless daughter that I am and find some sort of happiness in myself, my marriage and life.

Really?

Yesterday “baby daddy” comes in excited that he has a nice size pay check from his job being that he opened a separate account that only he has a card to I just said I am happy for you and left it at that. He comes back with “it seems like you dont want to talk” I told him plan and simply im happy YOU have a nice paycheck..I’m happy for YOU of course this is dripping with sarcasm and disgust.

Then his oldest son calls at 6 am saying he has car trouble and he goes to look at it and instead of texting me saying hey I am at my parents looking at T man’s car I got ZIP, ZERO NADA from him. I am thinking since he left at 6 am and its after 12 noon now he drove Tman to Marksville, but no he tells me I am my mom and dads cooling off cuz I am still trying to figure out what wrong with the car! Really and get freaking mad at me when I don’t text or call when I am gone for hours cuz your worried? No wonder I am losing my mind and puking up food growing more tired by the damm day! 

You moved us to this gawd awfully back water town to be near YOUR family and my family is 6 hours away. U complained that you don’t like big cities and yet you promised upon retiring we could live in Austin… yet you changed your mind and didnt bother discussing that with me!! Its no wonder I look at you with disgust and disdain these days… 

I don’t hate him, but I look at him with disgust

Tonight I looked at my husband and felt utter disgust not because I don’t love him bc I love him with all my heart and soul, but lives the life I can’t.  He gets to go outside and talk to others, see life, smell rain, go to Wednesday Bible study. For years I was never bothered because my kids were babies and they are still babies to me, but because they are too old for church day care and I can’t work outside the home my only human contact are my babies. Texting my rp twin sister, rp kids, brothers, my rl cousin here and there, my mom…and of course here in my bloggasphere. 

I can’t wait for school for my kids to start so that I can go to work during the day and talk to adults, smell rain, meet new ppl and actually miss my kids. Believe me when I say I gladly made the choice to be a SAHM and raise my kids because well I don’t trust ppl never have and I guess I never will, but at least with their teachers at school I can always drop in on the class, get my brother to pull a criminal report, talk to them at length and let them know what kind of mother I am and let them know their boundaries and to respect that line. Everyday I realize there is more to my depression than the death of my grams, and guilt of my uncle death years ago. The more I realize that is wrong with me the more I know that I need to talk to a specialist in this area because I am so sure that I am bipolar and clinically depressed, but of course I am no doctor and I need to go through my insurance to seek the help I need. I called a place called Longleaf here in the town where I live and they of course I was told that they can’t help me unless I am danger to myself or someone else. I am not sucidial or dangerous and was told that I need to talk to psychologist or psycharist…I am like duh thats why I called you, but oh well.. I hope and yes pray to find help somewhere some day… I am tired.. mentally drained…and physically sick…