I’m not living… I’m just breathing

Image

If only the world knew just how true that saying the picture is.. especially for me.  I have had my ups and down and yes, I have fought the devil and his many menions and won a few fights; however; I was fighting for family not myself. I rarely think I am worth fighting for and the good days (few and far between) that I do care about myself it fads fast when the depression sinks in and the migraines attack. For the last 3 to 4 months I have had daily migraines and that alone depresses the hell out of me cuz it affects my mood with my kids and everyone else. I do my best to hide and smile and say “I’m ok”.. Do you know how hard it is to type in the dark or the light of an IPad and tv  because the overhead lights are to bright?  Before you ask I have had tests run to include a CT and they all come back negative and therefore my dr has no clue whats wrong and since they are not on Friday I am sure I won’t hear from them till Monday or sometime next week.

Right now my head feels like its in a vice grip and someone is turning the crank on this vice grip to the point that my head is about to pop off or my skull is gonna crack open and my brain is gonna ooze out everywhere.  Therefore, when I say I am not living… I am merely breathing that is exactly what I mean. This is no way for anyone to live… 

Fat

photo (1)

 

This is my arm and its the one thing my little boy loves to roll his fingers and pinch is my FAT.  For him its just cute and funny and yes I smile and giggle as he does it until it starts to hurt cuz his nails are long dispite being cut down.  Every time he does this its just a GLEARING notation that mommy is FAT… Mommie is worthless… Mommie doesn’t need to be around. Now don’t get it twisted my son is 4 and he loves his mother and I love my baby and would die to make sure my kids are happy and well cared for, but this is my mind set and my thinking and feeling on this while he does this.

I was slinder kid a size 10 actually and then when my uncle died I went wild with food and other things. Then when my grandfather died the food just became a bigger part of my life and its not like I ate a lot of food or piled my plate with junk food cuz I didn’t, but it took me years to get to over 200 pounds.  Even though I am not that size anymore I can fit in a size 14 skinny jeans and regular size shirts when I look in the mirror I still see that FAT girl and I guess I always will.

About 2 maybe 3 years ago I got gastric by pass and I lost A LOT of weight got down to 130lbs, and size 10 skinny jeans, gained some muscle, smaller face, no turkey waddle I was well on my way to better me, then I guess last year or so I just lost motivation to work out and gain a love for sweets. I was never a sweets and soda kinda girl – I mean I would eat some candy here and there drink a Coke or Dr. Pepper with a Burger here and there, however, now sweets are stashed in my office (although I am out my stash now).  I drink more sodas than water because I hate the taste of the water here in Louisiana – its soft and gross.  In order for me to drink water i have to mix it with Crystal Light, but guess what I am out of that too so I am purely SOL on the water aspect cuz even with ice this water is nasty.

Anywho, back to the fat… I am disgusted by what I see in the mirror today! I am disgusted with the thought of what I see in my head! I am just disgusted. I now wear huge shirts and my loose pants or even if I wear my jeans instead of tucking my shirt in I just wear it out and I don’t wear a belt anymore. 😦 This is just another part of my depression the root of my depression is deep… If my husband weren’t so against tattoos I would go let the artist poke the shit of me to get my cherry blossom tree on my back to release some of my pain and tension.  For some reason the tattoo needle gun is relaxing to me idk why LOL

Stay tuned… 

Intervention

VAMP ROSE

I have been watching episode after episode of Intervention and the ones about drug addicts and seeing them shooting up doesn’t get to me but the only show about an alcoholic and I turn from it and just focus on something else because it hits home. It hurts to watch this woman drink herself to death and all I see is my uncle Sunny. My uncle has been dead for decades now I still see him and feel him.. I still talk to him and pray for him…

I still know and feel in my heart that if I asked him to stop and get help I think he would have stopped. Am I certain that he would have? No I am not but I carry this with me everyday of my life and noone not my mom, brother, husband NO ONE knows that I carry this with me and I have since the day he died and even before then. Its like a kid whose parents get divorced they blame themselves – I blame me for his death… I carry that with me.

My depression, my migraines don’t stem from this, but I guess could be a part of it. I am surprised that I am not on crack, heroine or drinking heavily. Well I know that I can’t do hard core drugs cuz I hate needles and as for the booze I can’t leave my kids.. They need a mother I need my babies and my husband.

I sometimes wonder if I am now bipolar or have some form something…  I know that I can’t deal anymore and  I have no way out…

Introduction to Jaded Grace

Image

 

You see this picture above? In this picture I was around 130 pounds and semi happy and living my life as an military wife. To look at my life now its nothing like this picture my hubby retired and we moved to Louisiana which is about 6 hours or so from my home town of Austin, TX. In the four months that I have been here I have lost motivation to work out (especially since I had gastric bypass and one additional surgery) and gained weight and now I am at 194lbs, I have lost my grams and sunk into a deep depression that no one really understands, because I do not really understand it myself. I do know that I blame myself for a lot of things that happened in my childhood (that I really know I had control over), things in my young adulthood (that I did have control over) and things now that I do and do not have control over at all. SInce the end of March (it started the day I drove home for my grams funeral) I have had a migraine just about everyday since then. My doctor switched my medicine,but it’s not working and I have learned to cope and deal with it. My whole reason for getting up is to see the smiles on my kids face and hear their laughter.

Lets start at the beginning of my journey shall we?

I realized that I had I great childhood – but it had some hiccups along the way. I remember the day my uncle Sunny died. He was my first funeral (that is just weird to see in black and white). I remember a neighbor coming over and saying he passed out and is not breathing in neighbors front yard. I was told this once I got home from school (I was in elementary school at the time). Sunny I have to admit was my bestie not just my uncle. Yes, I know he was an alcoholic and that he drank to escape his life and feel the rejection I am guessing he felt from some of our family. He was so funny and could really tell a joke and he always told me not to let anyone hold me back or hold me down. Now I watch shows like Intervention and I have to think where was this show when my uncle was alive? If I asked him to stop drinking would he? This is my guilt that I could not save him and I know that he tells me that I couldn’t save him I was only a child and he wasn’t ready to stop drinking. On the day he took his last breath I thought he was coming back to us because I was holding his hand and he squeezed really tightly, smiled and took a breath before my aunt Tricia told the doctor to turn off the machine. Inside I was screaming and yelling at them telling them can you see he took a breath on his own and he squeezed my hand and smile!!! Let him live please, but instead the last sound I heard was the machine as he flat lined, his hand went limp and that was it. My next memory is his funeral and that is blur until the 21 gun salute happened and my grams got the American flag. my uncle was in the Army for a brief moment of time anyway… My next tragedy was when my grandfather died and I was a preteen and already wild and living with my mom in Austin by now… My only memory of my grandfather at this time is him laying his bed in his room in my childhood home in Tyler, TX and that room holds a lot of great memories that got trampled when he said to me “you told me that you would take care me when I got old” I said that when I was like 5 years old. Then he caught me smoking a cigarette on the front steps and told me that young ladies don’t smoke and to stop (I haven’t). Instead of telling me that loves me he more or less tells me I am a disappointment and I am crushed beyond belief. This man was the guy that stood in as a my father figure and whenever you saw him you saw me when I was a child. I was his shadow, we would watch westerns on Saturday’s, go to church on Sunday’s at Liberty Baptist where I was in the choir and he was a deacon that sat on the front pew. It took me a long time to bring the good no great memories of my time with him back to the forefront and to try to push the bad ones away, but unfortunately I am stuck with them and they hold on to me like a snake wrapped around my body choking the mess out me.

Skipping over my teen years and moving to my college years….

I started college in Houston, TX at Texas Southern University majoring in Political Science and Business. I was on the debate team and your typical college student away from home (Sorta) I have family in Houston. I really wanted to go to school in like D.C. or Virginia anywhere out-of-state but that was nixed by family with a quickness! Anyway, I get there and life is pretty good, making friends and living in the dorms and of course I gained the freshman 15 lol… I eventually moved out of the dorms into my aunt’s house and road the city bus back and forth. Then one night I was practicing with the debate team and lost track of time and I caught the bus home only to find out that the next bus to my aunt’s house had stopped running. Well, the pay phones at that time were turned off at a certain time and all I had was a pager on me the businesses were closed. This guy in a green civic kept looking at me and it really creeped me out, because if he snatched me up I had nowhere to run. I didn’t know what to do so I sat at the bus stop trying to figure out how I could call my aunt to come pick me up, but nothing was coming to me because I was scared sh*tless and every nerve in me was on edge and on fire! Anyway, this guy finally stopped following me only to stop in front of me (remember I had no weapon and nowhere to run) and he asked me how much I charge and if he we could go somewhere and have sex and I told him I am not hoe and I waiting on my aunt and of course he came back no you’re not cuz I know the phones don’t work all hoes carry a backpack. I stopped talking and started praying for a cop to roll up on us or for God to magically place me at home. Well neither of those things happened instead a security guard on a bike (yes, I said a bike a 10 speed Schwinn in fact) came rolling up to my rescue. In the moon light I could see his gun in the air and he yelled “leave her alone and get moving or else!”  The guy left me alone and David the security guard let me in one store to call my aunt and explain why I was not home at damn near 1 am.  David promised my aunt that he would take me home at the end of his shift and for some reason I was relaxed around him and felt safe. David took me home and met my aunt Tricia and I thought that was the last of it but he did ask for my number and I gave it to him.

t was shortly after this that I started my sophomore year and my aunt kicked me out of her house and I had nowhere to go and I was the corner store from my school and I kept calling my “friends” to help me out and no one would help me. I was standing outside the store in my TSU tee-shirt and this guy whose names I can’t even remember said no fellow Tiger is gonna be out here on the streets and he just told me the buses to get his apartment and he handed me his key and said he will move in with his girlfriend.  The only thing he asked for when I got my financial aid was $50 for his phone bill!! He was my angel and I know that God is blessing him!   I guess I should have walked away from him when he was very blunt about being married with kids, but his wife is handicapped and they were separating and I went with it and stayed with him for sometime. Clue number 2 that I should have left – is when he kept telling me after a year into our relationship and I had met his family and friends that if I ever left him not even my cop brother would find my severed body parts in the swamps of Louisiana. Yet, I stayed with him… Idk why I stayed, but I did. He saved me that one night I could have lost my life, helped me move into my own apartments, practically lived with me, made sure I had money and car to get around, took care of me when I had my wisdom teeth removed, etc.  After, few years with David and going through the ups and downs of life and growing tired of being sick and tired of life in Houston and life with David and I guess he sensed that and told me its time for me to go home to Austin and that he would forever love me and i would be love of his life and I had already called my mom and told her to come help me pack up after I found the grandson of the lady I was renting my house from in my house going through my stuff and putting sugar everywhere and I told him that while I rent here does not give you the right to come in my house and go through my sh*t and that I was gonna call the police and he quickly left and my mom and grams were there later that day with a u haul and packed me up and we were off to Austin!

Meanwhile back in Austin

I got a job and moved in with my mother and I knew I had to finish school if only to prove to a certain person that I was not going be a college drop out and that I would be a somebody and somebody of importance despite what she thought of me at that time.  I enrolled at Huston-Tillotson College where I dropped the poly sci major and just majored in Business/Marketing. I was enjoying college life and making my way and getting back on track…In 2003 I graduated with my BA in Marketing and my family was there minus 1 but she sent me a note with $100. However, I purposely sent her invitation late so its ok. It was great day hot as hell in May and I had to wear some white pants that were made of heavy material and I was sweating but I was happy!!!

It wasn’t until 2005 I met my future husband on yahoo. I set up a dating profile on yahoo while I was in school at HTC and frankly I forgot about it and didn’t remember the password or link to it. One day I get an email telling me that someone on the dating site wanted to chat with me so I went and redid my password and logged in and guy with no picture on his profile said in his email that he liked my picture and that he wanted to talk and get to know me. I laughed to myself and said yeah whatever.. but I replied and told him he could email me personally and we can talk. I never expected to hear from him, but he emailed and told me he was in the military and on 24 hour duty and bored lol. Anyway, we emailed for a time then we exchanged numbers and talked on the phone. One day  I called and some chick answered and told me he was not home and I got mad cuz I figured my first thought was right he was ass and cheat… so I emailed him and told him so, erased his phone number from my cell and actually set the paper his number was written on – on fire and flushed it down the toilet I actually did that a few times lol… I am not one that gets mad over guys I date that cheat on me I just keep it moving and throw up the deuce… but he was different while I had never laid eyes on him I was in love.. How crazy is that mess?! When he told me that he was going to San Antonio to the military hospital for some basic check up and would not be able to keep our date I knew he lying (it was a gut feeling) and it turns out I was right he was having some cancerous tumor removed (yes I know from where but you don’t need to know lol) and it just got to the point that my internship was ending and I was tired of the long distance relationship and told him that either we live together or just separate and call it a good day. He came with a u haul to Austin and helped pack up my stuff and I kissed my mom and told her I loved her. We drove to Killeen and he got his stuff from the place he was living with it and her husband and we got a place in Temple. I don’t think I had ever been so happy until I had my children.

Stay posted for what’s next!! I hope you all enjoy my blog!!!

Makings of Me

Makings of Me

I love this photo not because of what you see in the fire and words, but because of what it represents. It’s the beauty of the fire and knowing that the demons are NOT in hell and the devil is not some cartoon drawing of a red man with horns and spiked tail with a pitch fork. Look to your right and your left… look to the front of you and behind you… see the people around you? Those are the demons now look in the mirror there is a demon too. Regardless, what you think about what I am saying for me this is truth. I am not saying that I am the devil – I believe in God and have faith, but I am human and I am a sinner and I will die one, but the beauty of this picture is the love found in the fire and the love of the words.

To tolerate the demons for the sake of the angels – I have met a one or two and related to a few as well. i lost the ones I was related too, but I have yet to find anymore that walk the earth and I guess that it’s just how to sum up my life in a sad little nut shell as the movie states 😀