Today

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This is me today.. I sit in a dark room with dark sun glasses on typing this out… why you ask? When my wonderful yet loud kids awoke me at 9 am bouncing on my bed I had a horrid, head splitting, vise grip holding migraine.. I rushed to my office and took my new meds and then about 2 hours or so later took another pill (I can take up to 4 in one day) another 2 or 3 hours pass I take another pill (different Rx) another 2 hours pass I take 2 excedrine migraine and guess what at 5:08 pm (exact time it is now) my head still is in that same damm vice grip.. I have not washed dishes, or done anything except showered in the dark and fed, kissed and hugged my kids. I have put my head down on my desk with a towel over my eyes to block out what little light is coming in my office. My stomach is hurting all that I have eaten was breakfast sausage before giving it to my son to eat and a bag of chips and now I am eating tums as well. So go figure…. right?

On top of all of this the man that I love and the father of my kids, texts me and says that he didnt mean to call me a failure last night but he needs me to do more to turn him on to have sex. I told him have you not been listening to me – 1. I don’t like my body 2. I can’t shake this depression and it seems to be getting worse 3. If I don’t like who I am how in the hell do you think I am suppose to want to turn you on to f*ck or make love? 4. Yes you say I am sexy and beautiful and I thank you, but if I don’t feel it or see it then there is nothing  except try to fake it and right now I am really no good at that. 5. Today’s migraine on a scale of 1 to 10 is off the charts and NOTHING is helping especially this conversation.. I sit in my office crying from the pain and who knows what else… I express myself through pictures more than words when talkin to him and others because they can convey what I can not at times.

Today sucks ass and its not getting better…It sucks to be me

 

Confirmed Failure

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Do you have any idea what it is like to be called a failure by the one person that is supposed to uphold and hold you down no matter what?  In my fractured state of mine to be told that “if that was your wat to get me you failed” So know that I know that I am failure at being a spouse I guess the only thing I am good at being a mom, a student and certified loony and I should be medicated and put somewhere where I can focus soley on my failures in this life.. Trust me I have many…and the list is too long to list in this blog,.. I am so close to tears right now that all that I can think of just how he can take my heart and rip it in 2 just like in the picture… I should say that my heart is fractured just like my mental abilities. If I am bipolar to top that with depression that now is just getting deeper and darker by the minute then top that with my migraines I swear as much as I hate blood (unless its on tv) I am very close to getting a knife from my dresser and cutting my arm and watching the blood drip to the floor before bandaging it up. I hear that cutting gives you some release from your pain I don’t know how true that is, but as the tears are burning my eyes the thought grows stronger and stronger…. I am just very tired of being sick and tired…the only thing holding me together is that my kids love me and think I am the coolest things walking… if they only knew the truth…