Dreams

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I used to have dreams very vivid dreams of being raped every night as a young adult I never knew why and I still don’t know why I had the dreams of the faceless man raping me. My dreams would go from me being a successful professional living in a nice house doing very well alone and in the dreams I seem happy then BAM out of no where the faceless man appears and sometimes I am in a dark alley other times IDK where I am – its brutal, it was so real that even now thinking about it I cry. I would wake up screaming and crying and my bed a hot mess cuz I guess I am fighting my attacker. I haven’t had this dream in a while and I don’t know what brought it my forethought now, but I can’t handle the memories, the tears… So welcome to psychoville make yourself at home!

I can’t handle this… I don’t want to handle this… My head is killing and I can’t take my medicine per my doctor… I can’t let my babies see me cry because they will want to know why and they won’t understand and I don’t want them to know that mommy could possibly be crazy and need to be put in a padded room with her arms around her back!! 

Why now….why at all..

 

 

 

 

 

Now What?

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Just talked to my doctor and was told they are sending me to a nuerologist for the migraines and to stop taking my meds in the mean time.. Ok what do I do now cuz I have and I can’t take my medicine are you kidding me? Excedrine migraine no longer works on me and I know too much of those can cause liver failure.  As the song “Let It Go” from Disney’s Frozen says “The kingdom of isolation and it looks like I am the Queen”  There are not too many Disney songs that I love and can relate too but this song from the moment I heard spoke to me as did the video. The line “The cold doesn’t bother me anyway” I feel that and I have felt it sometime.. A heart of ice that is so thick that nothing can melt it. The only reason it still beats because I love my family too much to end it all and live in hell with the devil. I’ve tried that several times and each time I woke up and wonder why are you holding here? Now I know…I suffer and live in the isolation of my mind, but children are the sun and rainbows that guide me through the day. The sky may be black and grey, but they are my shining and glimmering light.. Its a small light, but a light none the less.