Slowly Losing My Mind

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If you are asking yourself about the picture above its Bloody Mary….For it represents me slowly going insane and slipping further into the darkness that is becoming my life. How much longer can I smile and say I am fine? How much longer can I wear this “happy” mask? The depression, being in this gawd foresaken state, no job, daily migraines I am losing what bit of sanity I have left. Yes, I pray and believe in God and everyday I wake up and get up on faith that the day will be better than yesterday. 

Last night I went to bed with a migraine and woke up with one and while I have slight reprieve I can feel one coming back and I have no idea what the triggers are, but I can’t take this cuz I am not living I am going through the motions and simply breathing. If it were not for my kids I would have long ago checked myself into the mental ward some where. I am so tired of being SICK AND TIRED!!!!

I’m not living… I’m just breathing

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If only the world knew just how true that saying the picture is.. especially for me.  I have had my ups and down and yes, I have fought the devil and his many menions and won a few fights; however; I was fighting for family not myself. I rarely think I am worth fighting for and the good days (few and far between) that I do care about myself it fads fast when the depression sinks in and the migraines attack. For the last 3 to 4 months I have had daily migraines and that alone depresses the hell out of me cuz it affects my mood with my kids and everyone else. I do my best to hide and smile and say “I’m ok”.. Do you know how hard it is to type in the dark or the light of an IPad and tv  because the overhead lights are to bright?  Before you ask I have had tests run to include a CT and they all come back negative and therefore my dr has no clue whats wrong and since they are not on Friday I am sure I won’t hear from them till Monday or sometime next week.

Right now my head feels like its in a vice grip and someone is turning the crank on this vice grip to the point that my head is about to pop off or my skull is gonna crack open and my brain is gonna ooze out everywhere.  Therefore, when I say I am not living… I am merely breathing that is exactly what I mean. This is no way for anyone to live…