I have been watching episode after episode of Intervention and the ones about drug addicts and seeing them shooting up doesn’t get to me but the only show about an alcoholic and I turn from it and just focus on something else because it hits home. It hurts to watch this woman drink herself to death and all I see is my uncle Sunny. My uncle has been dead for decades now I still see him and feel him.. I still talk to him and pray for him…

I still know and feel in my heart that if I asked him to stop and get help I think he would have stopped. Am I certain that he would have? No I am not but I carry this with me everyday of my life and noone not my mom, brother, husband NO ONE knows that I carry this with me and I have since the day he died and even before then. Its like a kid whose parents get divorced they blame themselves – I blame me for his death… I carry that with me.

My depression, my migraines don’t stem from this, but I guess could be a part of it. I am surprised that I am not on crack, heroine or drinking heavily. Well I know that I can’t do hard core drugs cuz I hate needles and as for the booze I can’t leave my kids.. They need a mother I need my babies and my husband.

I sometimes wonder if I am now bipolar or have some form something…  I know that I can’t deal anymore and  I have no way out…

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