Fat

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This is my arm and its the one thing my little boy loves to roll his fingers and pinch is my FAT.  For him its just cute and funny and yes I smile and giggle as he does it until it starts to hurt cuz his nails are long dispite being cut down.  Every time he does this its just a GLEARING notation that mommy is FAT… Mommie is worthless… Mommie doesn’t need to be around. Now don’t get it twisted my son is 4 and he loves his mother and I love my baby and would die to make sure my kids are happy and well cared for, but this is my mind set and my thinking and feeling on this while he does this.

I was slinder kid a size 10 actually and then when my uncle died I went wild with food and other things. Then when my grandfather died the food just became a bigger part of my life and its not like I ate a lot of food or piled my plate with junk food cuz I didn’t, but it took me years to get to over 200 pounds.  Even though I am not that size anymore I can fit in a size 14 skinny jeans and regular size shirts when I look in the mirror I still see that FAT girl and I guess I always will.

About 2 maybe 3 years ago I got gastric by pass and I lost A LOT of weight got down to 130lbs, and size 10 skinny jeans, gained some muscle, smaller face, no turkey waddle I was well on my way to better me, then I guess last year or so I just lost motivation to work out and gain a love for sweets. I was never a sweets and soda kinda girl – I mean I would eat some candy here and there drink a Coke or Dr. Pepper with a Burger here and there, however, now sweets are stashed in my office (although I am out my stash now).  I drink more sodas than water because I hate the taste of the water here in Louisiana – its soft and gross.  In order for me to drink water i have to mix it with Crystal Light, but guess what I am out of that too so I am purely SOL on the water aspect cuz even with ice this water is nasty.

Anywho, back to the fat… I am disgusted by what I see in the mirror today! I am disgusted with the thought of what I see in my head! I am just disgusted. I now wear huge shirts and my loose pants or even if I wear my jeans instead of tucking my shirt in I just wear it out and I don’t wear a belt anymore. 😦 This is just another part of my depression the root of my depression is deep… If my husband weren’t so against tattoos I would go let the artist poke the shit of me to get my cherry blossom tree on my back to release some of my pain and tension.  For some reason the tattoo needle gun is relaxing to me idk why LOL

Stay tuned… 

Intervention

VAMP ROSE

I have been watching episode after episode of Intervention and the ones about drug addicts and seeing them shooting up doesn’t get to me but the only show about an alcoholic and I turn from it and just focus on something else because it hits home. It hurts to watch this woman drink herself to death and all I see is my uncle Sunny. My uncle has been dead for decades now I still see him and feel him.. I still talk to him and pray for him…

I still know and feel in my heart that if I asked him to stop and get help I think he would have stopped. Am I certain that he would have? No I am not but I carry this with me everyday of my life and noone not my mom, brother, husband NO ONE knows that I carry this with me and I have since the day he died and even before then. Its like a kid whose parents get divorced they blame themselves – I blame me for his death… I carry that with me.

My depression, my migraines don’t stem from this, but I guess could be a part of it. I am surprised that I am not on crack, heroine or drinking heavily. Well I know that I can’t do hard core drugs cuz I hate needles and as for the booze I can’t leave my kids.. They need a mother I need my babies and my husband.

I sometimes wonder if I am now bipolar or have some form something…  I know that I can’t deal anymore and  I have no way out…