The Question is how?

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Tonight again my husband and I got into a heated battle no punches are thrown just verbal assaults going both ways. He tells me that I need let go of my pain so that I wont be depressed, but this is like me saying to him let go of your PTSD all the visions that hunt you from your tours over seas. It can’t be done over night and I have more guilt and grief than just about my grandmother dying. I carry my uncle and the heart crushing words my grandfather said to me on his death bed. He tells me to get help and I think to myself what the hell do you think I am trying to do? Every other word out his mouth Fuck you! and our 3 kids are standing at the door and he like I don’t care and I tell him I can see that! This man has been married 2 times b4 me and now I have to wonder why they didn’t work out… why one or both ex wives cheated on him, why his ex girlfriends cheated on him and secretly married other men while he was away serving his country? He doesn’t think he needs help but he does and he needs it badly.. while I know that I am depressed and that I am reaching out doctors to talk to professionals what he is doing? NOTHING!! Yet he tells me to let go and move on… Are you fucking kidding me? OAN did I mention he is minister? There are times I call him a hypocrite because he is one way at church and another here at home. In my old neighborhood thats called being 2 faced! I know he wants sex, tenderness, closeness and all the things that I can’t give him right now, but all I asked from him was time, respect and understanding… what do I get instead I won’t you and the kids gone by the time I get home from work on Monday.. I told him thats not happening if you want to go – go, but I am on this lease and I am staying! Plus being unemployed and waiting for my financial aid from school to kick in I don’t have money to drive us to Austin and no where to stay. If we do move I want to make sure that all my duckies are lined up and we have place to go and I have job and the kids are enrolled in school. It was left to me to explain to my 6 year diva that just cuz we fight and your hear foul language I never want to hear you repeat those words and know that you are very loved by both your parents and that nothing we say today or any other day has nothing to do with you and your brothers its just right now your parents love each other but we just dont like each other and thats ok because the Bible states we are love one another not like each other.. I hugged her and kissed her and made sure she understund and then she asked for cake and was all smiles and playful.. Children are resiliant too bad adults are not like children if we were I think the world would be better off! I going to take Lunista and pass out for the night – its just too much for me at the moment not even burying myself in my textbooks can stop me from thinking about getting the same bed as a man that I don’t like, but still love with all that I am but a man that has no clue about what I am going through and is frustrated because he cant get laid by his wife due to her depression… Such is my life is sad little nutshell……

Today

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This is me today.. I sit in a dark room with dark sun glasses on typing this out… why you ask? When my wonderful yet loud kids awoke me at 9 am bouncing on my bed I had a horrid, head splitting, vise grip holding migraine.. I rushed to my office and took my new meds and then about 2 hours or so later took another pill (I can take up to 4 in one day) another 2 or 3 hours pass I take another pill (different Rx) another 2 hours pass I take 2 excedrine migraine and guess what at 5:08 pm (exact time it is now) my head still is in that same damm vice grip.. I have not washed dishes, or done anything except showered in the dark and fed, kissed and hugged my kids. I have put my head down on my desk with a towel over my eyes to block out what little light is coming in my office. My stomach is hurting all that I have eaten was breakfast sausage before giving it to my son to eat and a bag of chips and now I am eating tums as well. So go figure…. right?

On top of all of this the man that I love and the father of my kids, texts me and says that he didnt mean to call me a failure last night but he needs me to do more to turn him on to have sex. I told him have you not been listening to me – 1. I don’t like my body 2. I can’t shake this depression and it seems to be getting worse 3. If I don’t like who I am how in the hell do you think I am suppose to want to turn you on to f*ck or make love? 4. Yes you say I am sexy and beautiful and I thank you, but if I don’t feel it or see it then there is nothing  except try to fake it and right now I am really no good at that. 5. Today’s migraine on a scale of 1 to 10 is off the charts and NOTHING is helping especially this conversation.. I sit in my office crying from the pain and who knows what else… I express myself through pictures more than words when talkin to him and others because they can convey what I can not at times.

Today sucks ass and its not getting better…It sucks to be me

 

Confirmed Failure

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Do you have any idea what it is like to be called a failure by the one person that is supposed to uphold and hold you down no matter what?  In my fractured state of mine to be told that “if that was your wat to get me you failed” So know that I know that I am failure at being a spouse I guess the only thing I am good at being a mom, a student and certified loony and I should be medicated and put somewhere where I can focus soley on my failures in this life.. Trust me I have many…and the list is too long to list in this blog,.. I am so close to tears right now that all that I can think of just how he can take my heart and rip it in 2 just like in the picture… I should say that my heart is fractured just like my mental abilities. If I am bipolar to top that with depression that now is just getting deeper and darker by the minute then top that with my migraines I swear as much as I hate blood (unless its on tv) I am very close to getting a knife from my dresser and cutting my arm and watching the blood drip to the floor before bandaging it up. I hear that cutting gives you some release from your pain I don’t know how true that is, but as the tears are burning my eyes the thought grows stronger and stronger…. I am just very tired of being sick and tired…the only thing holding me together is that my kids love me and think I am the coolest things walking… if they only knew the truth…

Nightmare within Nightmare

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There is nothing like having a nightmare within a nightmare and awaking with a migraine thinking am I am still dreaming is this a nightmare? So you pinch yourself and it hurts, you walk around with fog on the brain, clouded eyes and you feel alone even when you have people around you. Welcome to my world.

In the picture above you see a fallen angel alone in a foggy forest with her head down. I relate because I walk with my head down afraid to trip or fall, alone even though there are 3 kids here full of joy and love, on a new medication for my migraines and yes I am fully awake. I don’t know what the first nightmare was about, but it was freaky as hell and the last one I was covered with bugs and spiders and those are 2 things I hate with a passion and 2 things that freak the shit out me! A nightmare wrapped in another nightmare…Wtf is wrong with me? I don’t know what normal is,but all I seek is relief, peace, joy and to smile again and by smile I want it radiate from the inside out not what you see now its a plastered on smile that if you really look you can see is fake and has no real meaning behind it. 

When I sought help all they kept asking was am I sucidial and the answer is NO. I am too afraid of cutting myself and from past expirences when I took pills I always woke up the next day so that has never worked for me so there is no need take that road again and on top of that I can’t leave my babies motherless… I know what its like to be fatherless and to have the hole in your heart and soul to never have it filled. Sure I had 2 great no awesome substitutes in my grandfather and uncle, but they are both dead now. So now that hole is dark, void, and empty… 

What’s left? Where do I go? What am I? Who am I now? 

I don’t know the answers to these questions and I suspect that I never will.

Dreams

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I used to have dreams very vivid dreams of being raped every night as a young adult I never knew why and I still don’t know why I had the dreams of the faceless man raping me. My dreams would go from me being a successful professional living in a nice house doing very well alone and in the dreams I seem happy then BAM out of no where the faceless man appears and sometimes I am in a dark alley other times IDK where I am – its brutal, it was so real that even now thinking about it I cry. I would wake up screaming and crying and my bed a hot mess cuz I guess I am fighting my attacker. I haven’t had this dream in a while and I don’t know what brought it my forethought now, but I can’t handle the memories, the tears… So welcome to psychoville make yourself at home!

I can’t handle this… I don’t want to handle this… My head is killing and I can’t take my medicine per my doctor… I can’t let my babies see me cry because they will want to know why and they won’t understand and I don’t want them to know that mommy could possibly be crazy and need to be put in a padded room with her arms around her back!! 

Why now….why at all..

 

 

 

 

 

Now What?

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Just talked to my doctor and was told they are sending me to a nuerologist for the migraines and to stop taking my meds in the mean time.. Ok what do I do now cuz I have and I can’t take my medicine are you kidding me? Excedrine migraine no longer works on me and I know too much of those can cause liver failure.  As the song “Let It Go” from Disney’s Frozen says “The kingdom of isolation and it looks like I am the Queen”  There are not too many Disney songs that I love and can relate too but this song from the moment I heard spoke to me as did the video. The line “The cold doesn’t bother me anyway” I feel that and I have felt it sometime.. A heart of ice that is so thick that nothing can melt it. The only reason it still beats because I love my family too much to end it all and live in hell with the devil. I’ve tried that several times and each time I woke up and wonder why are you holding here? Now I know…I suffer and live in the isolation of my mind, but children are the sun and rainbows that guide me through the day. The sky may be black and grey, but they are my shining and glimmering light.. Its a small light, but a light none the less.

Today….

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Today I started Concordia University to get my masters in education. It is the only thing that has brought even a simbulance of a smile.Even though the days through my eyes are still grey and I barely feel like moving from this very spot there is still a small bright spot with me being in class and my kids running around the house.

I found this picture to be a very strong warrior type of woman  the kind of woman i USED to be and hope to be again someday.  I have yet again another migraine and it is affecting my mood and attitude. I really don’t know how much more of this I can take before I find other methods to feel relief. No worries I hate needles, cant stand to put anything in nose, to chicken to cut myself and I don’t drink often and I don’t do drugs. So I don’t what I can find for relief, but I will find something somewhere from someone.  Right now I guess I will just hold on to feeling about starting school and take my script for migraines that DO NOT work..I don’t even have appetite. Its almost 4 pm and I had to force myself to eat a bag of chips even then my son came and I gave them to him so I had maybe 5 chips out of it… UGGGG 

I just dont know

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As a child my my life was idealic and great. I had no responsibilties, no chores, do demands on my time… Life was good. As i sit and watch the show Salem I think about my past, my present and wonder about my future.  My past was as I said idealic.. I participated in pagents, went to church, sang in the choir, played with my older brother and went to DQ with my grandfather.  Outside of my uncle who was an alcoholic, but he was funny and never violent to anyone and the fights between my gramps and mom.. my mom and her baby sister (who thought she was better than my mom) life was great…

Then my uncle died… and I just went stupid and hung out with losers, gang bangers, drug dealers, etc… then my gramps died and I did more of the same…went to juvenile hall… county jail once…and it was in county jail that I had my awakening… I knew I was better than the life I was living but I was searching for what I had lost when my uncle and gramps died.  I never found it in the people I hung out with or the men I dated… I was living a rather sad life… In jail as I said I woke up and decided to go to college and get my degree dispite my aunt (momma’s younger sister) telling me I would not amount anything, I would be a no body, I would not graduate from college and that I would just be all around loser. Tell me I can’t do something and I will show you that I can do it better than you. 

Graduate from college I did in 2003 and out in the real world I went. I still attracted losers and couldn’t figure out why thats all that I was attracting…then it dawned on me that I am attracting what I think I want or need in  my life. While I was educated in books and the street I still felt that I didnt deserve more than what I had. Which was NOTHING.. Yes, I had a great job, my own apartment, degree on the wall, but the men were just low class losers or booty calls (I called them when I wanted it ).  I paid my bills, went out with friends, went to church, hung out with family,etc, but deep down inside I was still missing something and lacking something and I just could not figure out what it was and to this day I still don’t know.

After I just got tired of dating losers I said a very simple prayer “Lord, when your ready for me to fall in love and marry you will put him on my door step” and with that in a few months I guess I got an email from Yahoo personals that someone sent me a “like you” or wink and since I set this up when I was bored freshman in college I had forgot the password and that I even had an account. I reset my password and went to check out what guy liked my pic and profile. I read his pictureless profile and he sounded nice and all.. I replied back with a simple thank you for emailing me, etc etc etc… anyway, we chatted for a few months, then moved on to phone calls, we set up some dates that he always cancelled for work or some other reasons and normally that would not bother me, but I fell in love with a voice and profile…(hold your judgement to yourself). We finally we out on a date and we had fun and thinking he had a hotel room to go too only to find out he didnt he stayed with me and we (if you have seen the movie Waiting to Exhale the hotel scene with Angela Bassett and Wesley Snipes are asleep in the bed) fully dressed and he proposed but not knowing that I am light sleeper I heard him and I asked him about it the next day and he did it formally on one knee in the middle of a crowded movie parking lot and I said yes of course.. Ten (10) years married 11 all together and 3 kids later we are still together and through the grace of God and prayer we are making it, but this depression is more than I can explain to anyone and that fact that I can’t shake it is really disturbing me and pissing me off. Having migraines everyday with the exception of maybe one day a month. My exams blood and CT all come back negative and thats a good thing, but doesn’t give me relief or stop the depression. Now I truly know whats it means when people say “child be in no hurry to grow up”..

I knew what happiness was once… I hope to find it again one day

Body Art vs Biblical Principals

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The top 2 pics are tattoos of cherry blossoms and something I have ALWAYS wanted to get and the butterfly is the one that I have on my back between my shoulder blades and the needles didn’t hurt and actually felt pretty damm awesome!!! Where as my bestie got a black cat on her leg and she was screaming bloody murder lol.

I have always identified with body art, but the church going girl that does believe in God knows that the Bible states not to mark up your body and cut your hair, but I have had my ears pierced, nose and tongue done, I have cut my hair more times that I can count lol and I feel as long as the tats are tasteful and reflect you or your love for something whats the harm? In my heart of hearts I think I am going to Heaven and that God loves me body art, depression, migraines and all!!

What do you all think? Share your body art pictures with me

Slowly Losing My Mind

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If you are asking yourself about the picture above its Bloody Mary….For it represents me slowly going insane and slipping further into the darkness that is becoming my life. How much longer can I smile and say I am fine? How much longer can I wear this “happy” mask? The depression, being in this gawd foresaken state, no job, daily migraines I am losing what bit of sanity I have left. Yes, I pray and believe in God and everyday I wake up and get up on faith that the day will be better than yesterday. 

Last night I went to bed with a migraine and woke up with one and while I have slight reprieve I can feel one coming back and I have no idea what the triggers are, but I can’t take this cuz I am not living I am going through the motions and simply breathing. If it were not for my kids I would have long ago checked myself into the mental ward some where. I am so tired of being SICK AND TIRED!!!!