2018 I’m Trying

It’s only February and I feel like giving up and running back to my dark cave to hide.  But I am continuing to progress and try to make this year my year! I have started to send out cute pictures of me with a prayer attached through my IG which is linked to my FB and Twitter accounts. I have no idea if anyone is paying attention or even reading my posts, but I have done what God told me to do without hesitation and with a open heart.

Yesterday, I found out that my play momma (my bestie’s mom) is in the hospital with fluid around her heart.  She scared the shit out of me when she sent me a text stating that “I just want you to know that I love you an I am in the hospital.”  After losing my mother in October of 2017 this kind of text just freaked me out and sent my world screaming while trying not to relive the moment that mother died.  The she sent me another text stating “Call your sister” and that scared me even more. I called my bestie (sister) and she explained everything to me about momma’s condition. So then I was relieved, however, that was short lived.

Well, then my girl hits me with a swift upper cut and says she going to have hip surgery next week. It just seems that I get hit over the head with the fear of losing everyone that I love. I have lost my uncles, my grandparents and my mother… All I have in this world is my big brother “Batman” and my best friend! If I lost either of them then I would be alone with the exception of my kids and their father. But I would have no one left of my family. Ok Ok technically I will have 2 aunts, a multitude of cousins, 3 nieces and 2 nephews and my sister in law. Is she still considered my sister in law if something happens to my brother? Hmmm I will have to look into that…

On a lighter side of heaven I am back in school to get my associates degree in Medical Coding and Billing.  My school has given me a NEW FREE HP Laptop which I am typing this post. Thank you #UMA !!

 

Let’s Break Up

This year started off decent I supposed. Then Corona hit like a hurricane that shut the world down in the blink of an eye. I have not watched the news in 16 years and this year is proof as why I stopped watching all news outlets.

Seeing cops kill Black/Brown and Indigenous men, women and kids for no reason, but the uprising of the “Karens” and “Kens” that think they are entitled to call the police on people who speak Spanish in the Walmart parking lot or little girl selling water on her stoop. Now there are 5 young men that were HUNG from trees in the California, Texas and New York. The police and coroner’s office want to sweep this under the rug and label them as suicide. One of these young Black man was only 17 years and was found hanging from a tree in the elementary school playground. A Latino man was found in Houston, TX why would these men kill themselves? Where are the suicide notes? Let’s face the first man that was found in Victorville, CA was hung with a USB cable how does work? How did he climb the tree was he a wizarding student at Hogwarts? I think not! This goes for all 5 young men that were murdered. The only place to do a hate crime probe is in Oakland, CA only after 5 nooses were found hanging from trees (reports Democracy Now on June 18, 2020).

So 2020, I have to say it is YOU not me and we need to break up immediately! Between the murders of George Floyd, Rayshard Brooks, and Ahmaud Arbery to the biggest fool/clown in the White House who is just spewing rhetoric and racism and inciting ALL of the other racists to come out in droves across this country! Do we as a nation need more of this moron in the Oval office? I say HELL NO!! This is no longer about party lines, but saving LIVES. I should not have to talk to my 3 beautiful kids about Race in America, White privilege and how to act if a Karen/Ken or cop stops them. I should not have to worry about my 5 nieces and nephews while they try to live their lives in peace.

2020 is supposed to be a year of vision and I have to say that is indeed true, because my eyes are wide open now to those who are “white washing” our/ my history in the school books to going back to the times of slavery where we are being lynched and murdered solely for the color of skin. Funny thing is the more hate I see in this world more WOKE I become in how my life and the lives of my children are changing daily. For instance my house hold is one of interracial marriage and we are raising 3 biracial kids. I am a mixed race woman married to a white man. He is a Army vet that has seen death and been in arms way in Kuwait, Iraq and Afghanistan yet I can not talk race relations with him, because he does not understand what it is be a Black person in 2020 or at all. When trying to discuss racial issues he will want to talk about what is in the history books and frankly to call him out he will just go on and on until I grow tired and just walk away from him. I refuse to argue with a fool. My history is way deeper than what he learned in school. The vision of 2020 is showing me that when you are Black/Brown and Indigenous we are chattel to do with as the “Mister/Master” chooses.

What seems to be forgotten is that I an my Kings and Queens of Brown/Black an Indigenous know where we come from. We know where we were stolen from and the land we was kicked off of and consequently killed for by the Colonials. As Louis Farrakhan once said “When you tell us to go back to where we come from, be careful because can you tell them where you come from?” So again 2020 I am completely over you and your bull shit just pack your shit and hit the bricks and do not look back, because you are no longer welcomed. Take your racist leader and his cronies with you when you go.

I will leave you with these parting words “All lives will ONLY matter once Black/Brown.LGBTQ+and Indigenous matter” and to all the Karen’s and Ken’s of the world STFU and leave people alone!

#BLM #IndigenousLivesMatter #LGBTQMatters

Reflection

Over past few days I have spent time reflecting on my life. Where I went wrong in this life and what not. At the end of the day I wouldn’t change the path that I have been on because I have my kids, but I would have perhaps changed the people that  I have invited into my life because they do not nurture or care about the woman I am or could be. They only care about that this woman is not caring for them and their needs.  They don’t hear me when I tell them what I need to exist. However, they post on FB that no one appreciates them. He never sees me he just wants to fuck me. He is mad that I’m not interested.  He is mad that I talk about about how cute the men of BTS are and due to his envy he calls them gay which they are not.  Other than reading, hearing my kids laugh, kdramas and kpop and music in general is all that  I have. Yes, I have my faith and the Word, but I thought that he was my all and everything. After many deployments, raising our 3 kids alone, dealing with his parents whom I love (if you know then you know) the rest of this sentence.

I always thought there was something binding that I lost my mother and 6 months later he lost his father. I was praying and hoping that this heartbreak would bring us closer, but nope that just widen the hole. Whereas, I miss my mother, her voice, smell, her laughter, I miss everything about her. She was my everything. From the time I met him and got married she was always there for us with money, love, time, wisdom, the pure essence of Wonder Woman to me and my brother. Where as we never received one ounce of help from his side. I was told by his mother that we should not have kids and that she will not watch our kids if we wanted to go out. Whereas, my mother when we  were stationed in Fort Benning, GA for those 8 years were the best years of me and my kids lives.  It was like growing up in Tyler, TX with my mother, brother, grandfather and uncle under one roof. I learned so much growing up from my family.

I get that I grew up in close knit single parent generational home where as he grew up with 2 parents and 2 siblings. My mother was both mother and father to me and my brother. She worked 2 full time jobs and went to college full time as well. She still made breakfast everyday and dinner at night. She took all the shit my grandfather handed out daily with grace and style. I only saw once during my childhood cry after arguing with my grandfather.  It was then that  I locked him in his tool shed and told him I would let him out when he stopped making my mother cry and yelling at her. I think I was born and empath and defender of those that can’t fight for themselves.  My very first fight was defending my brother against some stupid boys from his school. I still fight for those that I truly love and care about. I will literally fuck you up over my kids and gladly sit in prison. I will kick your ass over my brother, my bestie and my aunt. These are the people that I would give my life for, that I have loved all my life and will continue to love.

I told him a number of times what he needs to do for us to get back on track. It is plain and simple Romance My Mind it is not a hard thing to understand.. Is it? How hard is it to talk to me like a man that loves a woman? To make me laugh, complete me on the good things in life. etc. Its been 14 years and only first 7-9 years were good. However, most of them he was deployed and I had to learn to do for myself in his absence. I stopped watching the news (not that I ever really looked at) to begin with, I slept with the phone by my pillow and my laptop always on with an annoying bell sound so I would wake up when he was on messenger. Not that I ever expected a “Thank you for standing with me during this deployment” or “I know you never asked to be a single parent, but thank you for raising our kids and not leaving me during this deployment.” He is quick to tell me that I never thank him, but he has never thank me for raising our kids alone. So yes, when my mother came to live with us in GA it was an answered prayer to have her with me again. 

You know I would give anything to get a phone call, 10 page text, a hug from my mother. Come this coming October will be 2 years since breast cancer stole her from us.  He will never know what she means to me and my brother. You see I have lost my mother, both grandparents, and 2 uncles. I grew with my Uncle Sunny and took care of my Uncle Walter (while in high school) and he was in hospice. I was elementary when my Uncle Sunny died in the hospital holding my hand so you see they were there for me growing up and I was there to walk to the Upper Room. Hell the closest that I can get to my family is on vacation when travel to Texas. Now that my mother is gone my brother asks all the time “When are you all moving to Austin?” Do you know how tired I am of saying he I hate big cities blah blah blah. Well, hell I hate this hole in the ozone swamp town. Frankly, I am over the whole dang thing…

 

XOXO,

Jade

Sisterhood.. Am I My Sister’s Keeper?

When dealing with others (mainly women) we tend to run on emotions and in doing so that can lead to 1 or 2 things. One is being overly dramatic and not allowing you or your “sister” feel.  It is more about “Its my way or the highway girlfriend” type of mentality. Second, you just shrink away from it, walk away from the discussion (heated or not) and just let the cards fall they may.

When our egos (mixed with raw and pure emotions) you are not listening to yourself let alone the person your talking too. In that moment you can’t dial yourself back and let cooler heads prevail. I know that all too often this argument is not going anywhere productive and it can end friendships, break up families and civic organizations.  When your ego is bruised or plain old obliterated you really do not want deal with other person, but you have any kind of power at all you want to rule with an iron fist to get your way. How is that fair to the other person, yourself and your underlings? The honest answer it is not fair to anyone associated with you let alone fair to you the one arguing when you get shut down and cast out because the other person’s name, status, weight steps on you? What do you do or what should you do?

The only person that knows you better than you know yourself — is GOD. Since He is our creator, the author and finisher of our life story He is the only one able to guide us to the other side and while going through the storm (which may not be for you) you may lean, but you will never break. If before, during and after we seek Him then He is going to be there to help us, BUT we have to be still and know that He is God and he does not need our help.

Once you remove yourself and let calmer and cooler heads prevail then the path to forgiveness and for the sake of learning and moving on from the issue at hand is so much more peaceful and beneficial to all the parties involved.

So, to answer my earlier question YES I AM MY SISTER’S KEEPER! So are you

Adulting, Parenting, Cohabitation…Ain’t Easy

It is really crazy to think back to when I was 11 or 12 I wanted to be 16 so that I can drive and hang out with my friends. Little did I know out off all the kids I knew only ONE would still be by my side 20+ years later.

When I was 16 and working plus going to school I kept thinking man it would great to be 21 so that I could legally go to the clubs and drink. Guess who helped bring in my 21st birthday? I was temporarily engaged to a dude named Edward and some a my associates from TSU got together and took me to a little hole in the wall that was so bad ass! It was the best birthday ever.  I think that was I lived as if I didn’t have a care in the world and to tell the truth right now I am jealous of my 21 -24 year old self. I had a great job, just graduated college, I was seeing a few guys and having fun.. In essence I was living my best life.

Now that I have been married 14 years, mother of 3 and I think to myself Lord what exactly have I done? How am I leaving my carbon footprint on the world? How I am making the world better for all of us? Trust me I have no clue. I can not be a forever student and I have to show and tell my children about the real world once they are of age.   I have lived a sheltered and then worldly life of excess and then some.

I guess in all of this kids do not be in a hurry to grow up there is nothing special about being an adult and paying bills. However, if you ask me what my greatest days were I have to say 9-22-07 and 11-11-09 those are the days that my children were born. Those are the days I truly found out what real love is and what it means to be and to fall in love openly and honestly.

 

XOXO,

Jade

Depression and Daily Living

Because I am no one special and I do not hold a degree in psychology YET I rarely talk about my story or give advice. Depression is a real thing it is not just about you being down in the dumps over your career, lose of a girl or boy friend or even your parents. It is about how you react to the person in the mirror. Is she someone that makes you smile or just puts you in the mood to cover the mirror with a black cloth?

No one can tell you how you should be feeling about anything that is going on in your world. No man has that kind of control on this earth. Depression does not come with a warning label for you so that you can prepare yourself. Depression and grief go hand and hand. No one can tell you how long to grieve someone that you lost. It will be 2 years this October that my mother died of cancer. Both July (her birth month) and October (her death month) are 2 months I wish would be eradicated off the calendar. They are the longest and hardest months for me to get through. And to top that off I really have no one that I can talk to about how I feel. Yes, I can talk to my brother, but he is grieving too. My spouse lets just say that he will turn my grief into his moment and I over all that jazz.

Sometimes you want someone to just listen NOT talk. Someone to not offer their opinion. Someone to not just give you platitudes they think will be a comfort to you. Most times all a person that is depressed and going through is for you to listen.

When it comes to the things that I do when I am going through are 1. I pray and meditate 2. I color in my Wonder Woman coloring book or the painting app on my phone 3. Read a good book 4. Take myself out and buy myself something 5. Blast my music and dance till I drop. After I do all these things I shower, pray some more and go to bed.  I am in no way saying that if you do my steps that they will work for you – With the exception of prayer does wonders. You have dig deep and find out what makes you smile from ear to ear. Something that makes your soul sing and your heart flutter.

Only you can take care of yourself. Only you can love yourself the way you need and deserve. ONLY YOU!

 

XOXO,

Jade

Beauty Standards

It does not matter where you live in this world beauty standards can actually bring harm to those that do not meet the criteria. In a world where photo shopping and fat shaming is the norm for YouTubers and the general public it is hard for a regular person to “fit in”. In a world where super models are the size of twig.  So when there were models that had some curves and meat on their bones they are said to be ugly and what not.

I was so happy to see beautiful Black women like Winnie Harlow who has Vitiligo (which is where areas of your skin is lighter than the rest of your body) Winnie is the most beautiful sista I have ever seen and she is such a nice and graceful woman. WINNIE HARLOW 2

When Miss Harlow burst on the scene and she was confident in herself and who she was that just made her the most beautiful woman in the world. And it made all the sense in the world that she has a doll made in her image to show little girls that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and she has made herself to be the leader industry.  She is absolutely stunning.

WINNIE HARLOW

I just watched on YouTube a video by Asian Boss where they interviewed the 2018 Miss Korea and she talks about that after she won the crown she received a lot of online hate because the Korean public did not think she met the standard of beauty to be Miss Korea.  Kim Soo Min is the former winner of Miss Korea and to me she is absolutely beautiful because she cares more about the pain her father felt over the horrible comments about his daughter. That truly says a lot about her as a person and a true testament of how her parents raised her.

 

Look at Miss Kim Soo Min where does she have any sign of being fat or ugly. But do the type of comments on her Instagram like the one above she closed her Instagram account. What is really sad is that it is truly women bashing other women to make themselves look good or feel good about themselves. Women truly are “crabs in a barrel” mentality and we tend to think that if we hurt another woman it will make us look better. When in reality it only makes us look stupid and inferior. Learning to love yourself is the hardest thing to do. Trust me I know… I am still working on looking at myself in the mirror and loving the person that I am seeing in the mirror. I do not take compliments easy from anyone, but since I have a daughter now I need to do what I gotta do for her so that she will never be self conscious about her looks, hair, weight,etc. She is beautiful and perfect just the way she is because this is how God made her. 

So as a woman I am saying to fellow women of the world…. What harm does it cause you to compliment another woman on her outfit, her make up, her hair,etc? How does that take anything away from you? If you are the type of female that likes to trash other females then I suggest that you look in the mirror with a bright ass light and ask yourself why? I pray you HONESTLY answer yourself so that you know what to work on within yourself. Ask God to show you why you must trash others to build yourself up? 

XOXO

Passions

Before  I start let me say Get your mind out of the gutter LOL. When it comes to a passion that moves me that would be music. I can listen to music and just become a cloud and float away on and array of emotions. Depending on the artist and the lyrics it is the beat that really catches my attention even before he or she opens their mouth. The musically term today is “issa bop” or “issa slap” before it even gets that far it the drums and guitars that move me once I am moved I look for the melody and then the voice to carry it too and end. 

Music to me is very personal and felt deep in my soul. When I love a song I will remember the words, lyrics, beat and melody forever. For example Karyn White Super Woman from 1988 is still my go to jam when I am not feeling a situation with my spouse. Back then it was sung for guys that I wanted to break up with or one time when I was 16-17 and my first love asked me to wait on him and I waited 2 years for him come back from New Orleans and when he I saw him at a bus stop and he face fell  because he saw me with a guy friend laughing and holding hands going to the mall.  I will forever see his face and feel those emotions that I somehow to tied to this song.   Granted I was only 13 when this song came out, but when I heard this song it stirs something in me to this day. Funny story I thought of majoring in music in college, but I chose the debate team and a business degree.

I bop my head to Nelly just like I can to Patti LaBelle and the Blue Bells from 1970’s. If it moves me to dance and smile then I don’t care who is singing. I am that type of girl that puts on her head phones I become the music and I feel so good. Music moves my soul in ways no man ever can.

 

XOXO

Life Has To Go On

When you lose someone very important to you like your mother it is phrases like this that you grow to hate the most.  There are few others that once my mother died people would say to appease their own discomfort. Trust me I would never wish the loss of a parent or child on anyone. While we have to continue to move and live can we (or I ) do without someone telling me things to appease their guilt.

Someone once told me when I found out my grandmother died (she helped raise me) he told me “people die.” Who the f*ck says that? Then instead of comforting me he goes into talking about the loss of his grandmother while he was in the military.  As if that is going to help me. While I can forgive this I can never forget it. How would this make you feel?

I am the baby of my family and I can remember the day my mother died. I remember she woke up by accident going to the bathroom. I got up to check on her after 10 minutes past and she said she was fine. I dozed off and an hour flew by and she was not out of the bathroom and I opened the door and there she was slumped over the tub. She was making heavy breathing noises so I thought she was just having a hard time getting up. I could not move her and I kept telling her to hold on and I was praying earnestly and fervently for her to be O.K.  I called my only family my big brother (aka Batman) to come help me move her. Since she was on hospice and had a DNR I could not call 911 for help.

Do you know how hard it is for a child to make death notifications to other family members? Never, in my life would I think I would have to make that call, deliver a eulogy, do her make up and put on her jewelry. Most of all I never thought I would have to say good bye to my mother. She raised me to love God, to read, to love music, treat people the way I want to be treated and that education is important.

My mom worked 2 full time jobs and went to college full time to provide for my brother and I. I saw her get mistreated by my grandfather, his friends, her baby sister and life in general. I never knew we were poor because we had food, clothes, and a nice house. I participated in pageants, took piano  and swim lessons as well gymnastics. I have a lived a good life and that is all thanks to my mother.

XOXO,

Jade

Mirrors

When you look at yourself in the mirror are YOU really looking at you or is your mind showing you what it thinks you should see? Have you ever gotten clarity from looking into the mirror? I have, but then I have gained clarity when I zone out just sitting in my office. It is when I revert back to looking inside myself and find out why I have certain thoughts or feel a certain way.

While  clarity is something we should all seek to have in our lives — sometimes it is just a pure pain in the ass. I say that because once you have experienced this keen insight you have to act on it and if you do not act then it seems as if your life falls apart.  I find myself asking God where do I go LEFT, RIGHT or CENTER and for the past 3 years more or less I have been waiting on His answer. Then it dawned on me that sometimes God says “hold on, I have something great in store for you” its that waiting is the part that is hard for me and most people.

 When you are some place where you can’t grow, can’t relate or just plain ole hate having to wait on your blessing seems like something you should never ask your enemy to do, but you do it because you walk by faith and not by sight. You call blessings and miracles already done.

Most people do not know or do not believe that devil and his minions attack your mind because whatever enters your mind your body has to respond. The same goes with friendship and intimate relationships. So let me say this HEY FELLAS if you romance a woman’s mind guess what her heart, soul and body will eventually follow. My question is what do you do when you tell your dude this and they flat out ignore it? It would be different if they did not know what to do or what that means, but I do not think this is the issue here. 

Suggestions or ideas please leave me a note

XOXO,

JadeLEARNING TO LOVE MEDEVIL AND ANGELLEARN TO BE ALONE

Time Schedule

I have started to keep a timed schedule so that I can write for 15 minutes or more a day. I will tell you up front that I am not a person that is good with words or one to get really deep into my personal business, but I have read somewhere that your change your fear into control if you make a “DO IT” list instead of  a “Honey Do” or “Need To Do” list. When you make this kind of list with a time schedule. For me I have set aside daily at 1:30 pm to log on and write something about my life and how I am feeling.

Today, I am a bit late it doing this because I was doing my nails. I am not the kind of girl that just files, buffs and paints her nails. No ma’am I do my own acrylics. Therefore, I have to put on the nail tips, clip to the appropriate length, file and buff. After, all that I have to get my acetone polish remover, acrylic liquid, nail brush to apply all liquids. Then I have to apply acrylic liquid and acrylic nail powder on the tip. From this point it is crazy to just keep typing the same thing over and over  –I won’t do that.

Well, all that I have left to do is file, buff and paint once I get back from picking up my kids from school.  I will say that I know why you see nail techs wearing face masks lol this stuff stinks to high heaven for sure. The smell takes over the whole house. Thank goodness it does not last long.

Today, is fairly decent, however, I am having that kind of day where I hate my body and all I see is F.A.T and that fat girl from high school and college is resurfacing and I don’t know how to get rid of her. I want that slender, sexy woman that weighed 149lbs back. Uggg such is my life right now.

God is good..

      All the time God good