2018 I’m Trying

It’s only February and I feel like giving up and running back to my dark cave to hide.  But I am continuing to progress and try to make this year my year! I have started to send out cute pictures of me with a prayer attached through my IG which is linked to my FB and Twitter accounts. I have no idea if anyone is paying attention or even reading my posts, but I have done what God told me to do without hesitation and with a open heart.

Yesterday, I found out that my play momma (my bestie’s mom) is in the hospital with fluid around her heart.  She scared the shit out of me when she sent me a text stating that “I just want you to know that I love you an I am in the hospital.”  After losing my mother in October of 2017 this kind of text just freaked me out and sent my world screaming while trying not to relive the moment that mother died.  The she sent me another text stating “Call your sister” and that scared me even more. I called my bestie (sister) and she explained everything to me about momma’s condition. So then I was relieved, however, that was short lived.

Well, then my girl hits me with a swift upper cut and says she going to have hip surgery next week. It just seems that I get hit over the head with the fear of losing everyone that I love. I have lost my uncles, my grandparents and my mother… All I have in this world is my big brother “Batman” and my best friend! If I lost either of them then I would be alone with the exception of my kids and their father. But I would have no one left of my family. Ok Ok technically I will have 2 aunts, a multitude of cousins, 3 nieces and 2 nephews and my sister in law. Is she still considered my sister in law if something happens to my brother? Hmmm I will have to look into that…

On a lighter side of heaven I am back in school to get my associates degree in Medical Coding and Billing.  My school has given me a NEW FREE HP Laptop which I am typing this post. Thank you #UMA !!

 

The Past…Present…Future – With You

I want to start a novel of sorts about two people finding each other and following their hearts, but at times they let your current situation and even their past pain deter them from opening their hearts to anyone.

This is going to be my first and hopefully not my last attempt to write a BL story. I still need to come up the scene, characters, the plot, etc for the story. I am not sure that I want to put it on here or Wattpad. I am thinking of making about university students each in a different faculty (departments) who are in their freshman year and they encounter their Juniors/Seniors of each faculty and this is where the the stars of the story fall in love, but they do not let the other know until close to the end. What do you all think?

As you can tell from my recent posts I really watching romantic movies and dramas. While every BL drama has is own story and certainly its own drama. The scenes play beautifully when I am watching it. Each drama/ love story I get pulled into it and I am either smiling, encouraging the one character to make a move in his crush, or crying. I have to admit that dramas to me are a lot better than American dramas/soap operas. I have to say that I really like Thai BL’s and K-dramas for romance and comedy, but C-dramas are great for historical dramas.

What do you think of this as the title for my BL story? Should it be shorter or named something completely different? I really want your opinion.

XOXO,

JadedGrace

Until We Meet Again….

Again, i find myself alone and crying while watching a touching and loving BL called The Year Book. Just to tell you about a small part of it – it is about two friends that truly love each other.. then one moves to Bangkok because in his junior year of high school discovers he has bone cancer in his right arm. He does not talk to his friends for 4 years until he returns to home province and his best friends ( they refer to themselves as B1 and B2). I think it hits home for me because I lost my mom to level 4 breast cancer that spread to her brain. I could not help her and I had to let her gain her wings come this October will be 4 years.

B2 did not want to burden his friends especially B1 and I think that is how my mom felt towards my brother and I in the end. I never thought I would be the one to have to make those calls and make those arrangements for my mother. I do not want my kids or anyone I love (even hate) go this kind of never ending pain. No one should have to live with seeing the one person they love the most the way I found my mother deceased on that day. I can’t cover it up and I can’t run from it. When you have no one to turn to talk about, but God and even then you do not want to burden Him continuously about your grief and sadness, because your mom is in heaven next Him and she is sad that her baby girl can’t move on….

I will say this B1 and B2 are happy in the end, but his brother and his boyfriend I am not sure they make it because of the cliff hanger in the last part of the movie. We Best Love is a C-drama BL and it is completely different from the previous BL I was talking about, but it is funny and sweet despite the drama between the 2 lead characters. I hope this one ends in and truly happy ending for both the leads. Trust me someone needs to be happy and in love, because I am not. Even in my pain and depression I may not be happy, but I still want everyone around me to be happy. I can live through bliss and know that the mask that I wear is something no one can see through. The only one that could see through it is in Heaven now.

It is easy for me to get lost in a story, plot or book because their lives although make believe are so different than mine the light and love I see and even when it makes me cry because it made me think of someone I miss like my mother or my first love. Some how I am still able to smile and make me feel a certain way. I am not talking about BL’s because I want you to watch them, but more so to understand how they make me feel and the happiness they bring me.

Depression is hard to deal with when you have no one to turn to or understand you. You would think being married he would know and understand me, but every conversation turns into a “him thing”. It stops being about me and turns to being about him. I don’t know if he does it on purpose or if he has no clue that he is doing it. But its been 17 years now nothing has changed. Then he gets mad because I do not open up to him. I do not see the point when it will cease to be about me and start to be about him. I would rather just put my feelings here and know that they are out in the atmosphere some where. What do you think? What would you do if you were me? Let me know

XOXO,

JadedGrace

How Watching BL Dramas Are Making Me Better

Let me just start by saying this is going to be long probably won’t make sense to most, but that’s ok. This is really for me to put my thoughts into words.

I have been watching BL dramas for sometime now and each new drama puts me on a different roller coaster of emotions. My emotions can range from anger/hate to love. I watched one last night that put me in my feeling. It took back to my days in high school and my first love. I have often prayed to meet him one time to explain about that day that changed my life forever. I won’t go into details here, but I have talked about that day and him on my other blog. In fact I actually cried myself to sleep because of the BL that I was watching.

I truly believe that BL dramas have taught me to be a better parent and to be more open with my kids. I was raised to have an opened mind and to see people for who they are not who I think they should be. Back to my first love we left things in a sad space and for me when that happens it lives with me forever. All that I truly wan to do is tell that person I am sorry and what they saw is not what was going on. Mainly, I just want to say I am sorry. I am sure that I will never get that chance so I will have to live this.

BL dramas are sweeter and better than any soap opera on television because they are more realistic dealing with teens and college age kids, bullies, being misunderstood by peers and family, etc. Please don’t get it twisted I am not here to sell you on watching BL dramas, I am strictly talking about experience and why I like them. I will tell you that I was actually introduced to BL dramas by someone on TikTok. Most of the ones I like are Thai BL dramas.

Currently I am watching Project 7 on YouTube. I can’t stand the 2 boys that bully the cute young transfer student just because he is soft spoken, shy and different. He has someone to stand up for him… until one day on soccer field. It does not help the staff are full of idiots.

Anyways, to the person dated when I was 17 if by God’s grace you see this and you remember the day at the Highland Mall bus stop. Leave me message here.

Until next time…Let me know if you watched Project 7 and if you liked it.

XOXO

JadedGrace

Time Travel

Last night after watching a episode of How Do You Play on Viki where Rain, Yoo Jae Suk and Hyo Lee where they recreated a Idol group form the 90’s called SSAK3. At the end of that show there were notes taped to the wall from their fans telling them they took them them back to a time where they (or their parents) were young, free and happy teens or young adults.

It me cry and think what if I could go back in time to 4 different era in my own life to speak to my loved ones that I miss and my 16 year old self. My voyage would begin in when I was elementary school in Tyler, TX. I would talk to my Uncle Sunny and let him know that while at at I did not understand death, I love him very much and that as I grew up I understand why he drank. I would tell him that he is always in my heart and my mind. Next, I would go back to when I was 16 years old. I would tell my younger self not worry because your going to grow up to be a great human being, and that you will learn about yourself and the kind of woman you will become with strong opinions an thoughts. I would tell her that your going very diverse in your thinking, music and food choices. I would let her know that she has 3 amazing kids and a great mother who works hard for them. My 3rd voyage would be to go talk to my Grandmother while she was Houston before she died. I would hug and kiss her and tell her just much she means to me. I would thank her for helping my mother raise my brother and I. I would tell her just how amazing she is to me and I love her. My final voyage would be the last 4 days I got o spend my mother and I take the night before to tell her everything on my heart and let her know that she does not have to worry about my kids, me or Dedric will be fine. I would tell her I love you momma and thank you for being the greatest mother I could ever have. Thank you for loving me enough to put up with me for when I was in teens and young adult. Thank you for everything she has ever done and that she is doing from Heaven now.

If time travel were real I would make several voyages to the past and just walk around in my own life not touching or changing anything, but thanking everyone sincerely from the depths of my soul that ever meant anything to me. I am not sure that having deep thoughts like that before bed is a good thing because I do not think I actually got any good sleep last night. I woke up remembering that I wanted to write this out. I am listening to SSAK3 on YouTube.

As I groove to the jam Linda by Hyo Lee I will end this by saying that reflection is a good thing and the more I do that and get these feelings out the better and document the here the better my mental health and life in general will be.

See you later!!! Go have yourself a blessed day and tell those around you love them because tomorrow is not promised.

Last Moments

Last moments are hard to endure

I never wanted to be the one to in the room when my loved ones entered the upper chamber, but I was. I was in elementary school when my uncle died and I was in the hospital room holding his hand when. I was in Junior High/High School when Charlie B (otherwise known as my grandfather) past and I was in his room and I was there when my mother passed.

I don’t why I was chosen for this role, but I was and I remember every list moment as if it happened yesterday. My last moment with my mother will stay with me forever. I can’t escape it no matter how hard I try. I see it in my dreams, when I am lost in thought, daydreaming… I will say that my mother is still a huge part of my life and while she has been gone for about 3 years now I am still grieving and while some will say that is just too long and I need to let her go for those folks I only have this to say to you… Grieving is a process and it has no time limit.. And time does not heal all wounds and it does not make me feel any better that she is in a better place and if that makes a bad person then so be it because what buttercup I did not ask you did I?

Last moments for some are just that last moments for others like me last moments are a life time. While I can function and move on with day and do what needs to be done I still silently break down in small dark corner, pray. talk to my those that I miss especially my mother whom I am still very connected too.

It is crazy how I came about this blog post… If you have not downloaded the app Viki do so and then watch the drama Goodbye Mother… The airport scene is where it came to me…

*****SPOILER ALERT**** IT IS A VIETNAMESE BL DRAMA… YOU HAVE WARNED…

Time

As day turns into night and back into day time remains the same

Time remains the same no matter if you love someone or hate them

They say time waits for man, but have you watched how the time slows during the beginning of scene in a K-drama or romance movie slows down?

Then it will pick up momentum in middle once the couple finds it groove and the time seems to pick and choose when it wants to become a ocean and flow.

When the relationship its the skids it seems to take forever to get through the fights, the door slams and the replays as if I can not hit rewind on my phone if I want to see it again because I may have missed a cussed word or slap.

The difference is with time when the relationship is long term or leads to marriage then it seems to drag in the middle till the couple has kids (if they have kids). Again, this depends on they live with with parents or the whatever the case maybe then who knows what kind of drama will ensue….right?

Again, as day turns into night and back into day these are the thoughts that course through my head as I watch a BL Kdrama on Viki and Netflix.

What are your thoughts? Share them with me?

Self talk with the Devil

Ever been in your room and just felt this presence or evil spirit that wasn’t there a moment ago? Well, I was getting ready for bed and its 0239 am here in the states. I was sitting on and my bed and (keep in mind its just me) and I could feel another person get in my bed. I kept looking back and no one is there and normally I would tell my Uncle Walter to stop playing jokes and move on with his heavenly day, but this is not his kid of joke,

I stood I blessed my bed in the name of The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit and cast what ever demonic seed back to the pits hell. I called on Jehovah Jira and Jehovah Shalom because he is the Alpha and Omega and with His word all I need is a faith of a mustard seed. Tiniest seed on the planet, but it yields the biggest harvest.

I am always ready to fit the devil and his minions because I am always wearing my armor of truth. After all of this my bedroom was free and cleansed. I got into bed and wrote this out not so much as blog for you readers but a reminder to me to my mind stayed on Jesus as all times. That is the is the only way I am going to make it through this rush move and life in general.

Have a great summer!!! Be kind and so love to everone

Stop Asian Hate

Ever since the Corona Virus hit there has been a rise against the elderly Asian community. Mr. Pak Ho was walking in his neighborhood when he was brutally attacked and later died from his injuries. Recently, an Asian grandmother fought off and attacker with a sticker and her family has set up an Gofundme to pay for her medical bills.

Today, eight Asian women were murdered by one White gunman who said he had sex addiction and was having a really bad day. The Captain of the police department that talked to the press humanized the murderer and dehumanized the people he killed only in America! While he was taken off the case and will no longer talking to the press it just goes to show you just how much racism is taken seriously in this country. Asian Americans are hurting across this country and for good reason. Xiaojie “Emily” Tan is the owner of Young’s Message Spa, Delaina Yaun, Paul Andre Michels (Army Vet), Daoyou Feng, and Elcias Hernandez Ortiz (injured) and there are four Atlanta women murdered that I do not have their names at the time of writing this post. Since hearing about this mass murder this morning I have praying and asking God why? Why is the biggest virus in this country over several centuries old and its name is HATE. It is time for this bull shit to end! As a person of color I am tired of this and I never thought I would be raising children in a time where I would have to be talking to my kids about racism.

Now is the time to stand in prayer and solidarity with our AAPI brothers and sisters while they grieve their losses just as they have been there to help us grieve our losses. Asian Americans have been standing by us since the 1960’s if not before that time. We have stood together against racism and now is not the time to stop it is the time to ramp up the charge and fight the powers that be and kick hate dead square in the ass because it is not what we are going to do in the 2 and the 1!

We have come to far to keep going backward another 4 years and we can a hell a lot better than the orange and his racist rants and taunts against women and the disabled. We can no longer stand idly by let our people continued to be bullied, beat up, and murdered just because we are People of Color.

Let’s Break Up

This year started off decent I supposed. Then Corona hit like a hurricane that shut the world down in the blink of an eye. I have not watched the news in 16 years and this year is proof as why I stopped watching all news outlets.

Seeing cops kill Black/Brown and Indigenous men, women and kids for no reason, but the uprising of the “Karens” and “Kens” that think they are entitled to call the police on people who speak Spanish in the Walmart parking lot or little girl selling water on her stoop. Now there are 5 young men that were HUNG from trees in the California, Texas and New York. The police and coroner’s office want to sweep this under the rug and label them as suicide. One of these young Black man was only 17 years and was found hanging from a tree in the elementary school playground. A Latino man was found in Houston, TX why would these men kill themselves? Where are the suicide notes? Let’s face the first man that was found in Victorville, CA was hung with a USB cable how does work? How did he climb the tree was he a wizarding student at Hogwarts? I think not! This goes for all 5 young men that were murdered. The only place to do a hate crime probe is in Oakland, CA only after 5 nooses were found hanging from trees (reports Democracy Now on June 18, 2020).

So 2020, I have to say it is YOU not me and we need to break up immediately! Between the murders of George Floyd, Rayshard Brooks, and Ahmaud Arbery to the biggest fool/clown in the White House who is just spewing rhetoric and racism and inciting ALL of the other racists to come out in droves across this country! Do we as a nation need more of this moron in the Oval office? I say HELL NO!! This is no longer about party lines, but saving LIVES. I should not have to talk to my 3 beautiful kids about Race in America, White privilege and how to act if a Karen/Ken or cop stops them. I should not have to worry about my 5 nieces and nephews while they try to live their lives in peace.

2020 is supposed to be a year of vision and I have to say that is indeed true, because my eyes are wide open now to those who are “white washing” our/ my history in the school books to going back to the times of slavery where we are being lynched and murdered solely for the color of skin. Funny thing is the more hate I see in this world more WOKE I become in how my life and the lives of my children are changing daily. For instance my house hold is one of interracial marriage and we are raising 3 biracial kids. I am a mixed race woman married to a white man. He is a Army vet that has seen death and been in arms way in Kuwait, Iraq and Afghanistan yet I can not talk race relations with him, because he does not understand what it is be a Black person in 2020 or at all. When trying to discuss racial issues he will want to talk about what is in the history books and frankly to call him out he will just go on and on until I grow tired and just walk away from him. I refuse to argue with a fool. My history is way deeper than what he learned in school. The vision of 2020 is showing me that when you are Black/Brown and Indigenous we are chattel to do with as the “Mister/Master” chooses.

What seems to be forgotten is that I an my Kings and Queens of Brown/Black an Indigenous know where we come from. We know where we were stolen from and the land we was kicked off of and consequently killed for by the Colonials. As Louis Farrakhan once said “When you tell us to go back to where we come from, be careful because can you tell them where you come from?” So again 2020 I am completely over you and your bull shit just pack your shit and hit the bricks and do not look back, because you are no longer welcomed. Take your racist leader and his cronies with you when you go.

I will leave you with these parting words “All lives will ONLY matter once Black/Brown.LGBTQ+and Indigenous matter” and to all the Karen’s and Ken’s of the world STFU and leave people alone!

#BLM #IndigenousLivesMatter #LGBTQMatters

Reflection

Over past few days I have spent time reflecting on my life. Where I went wrong in this life and what not. At the end of the day I wouldn’t change the path that I have been on because I have my kids, but I would have perhaps changed the people that  I have invited into my life because they do not nurture or care about the woman I am or could be. They only care about that this woman is not caring for them and their needs.  They don’t hear me when I tell them what I need to exist. However, they post on FB that no one appreciates them. He never sees me he just wants to fuck me. He is mad that I’m not interested.  He is mad that I talk about about how cute the men of BTS are and due to his envy he calls them gay which they are not.  Other than reading, hearing my kids laugh, kdramas and kpop and music in general is all that  I have. Yes, I have my faith and the Word, but I thought that he was my all and everything. After many deployments, raising our 3 kids alone, dealing with his parents whom I love (if you know then you know) the rest of this sentence.

I always thought there was something binding that I lost my mother and 6 months later he lost his father. I was praying and hoping that this heartbreak would bring us closer, but nope that just widen the hole. Whereas, I miss my mother, her voice, smell, her laughter, I miss everything about her. She was my everything. From the time I met him and got married she was always there for us with money, love, time, wisdom, the pure essence of Wonder Woman to me and my brother. Where as we never received one ounce of help from his side. I was told by his mother that we should not have kids and that she will not watch our kids if we wanted to go out. Whereas, my mother when we  were stationed in Fort Benning, GA for those 8 years were the best years of me and my kids lives.  It was like growing up in Tyler, TX with my mother, brother, grandfather and uncle under one roof. I learned so much growing up from my family.

I get that I grew up in close knit single parent generational home where as he grew up with 2 parents and 2 siblings. My mother was both mother and father to me and my brother. She worked 2 full time jobs and went to college full time as well. She still made breakfast everyday and dinner at night. She took all the shit my grandfather handed out daily with grace and style. I only saw once during my childhood cry after arguing with my grandfather.  It was then that  I locked him in his tool shed and told him I would let him out when he stopped making my mother cry and yelling at her. I think I was born and empath and defender of those that can’t fight for themselves.  My very first fight was defending my brother against some stupid boys from his school. I still fight for those that I truly love and care about. I will literally fuck you up over my kids and gladly sit in prison. I will kick your ass over my brother, my bestie and my aunt. These are the people that I would give my life for, that I have loved all my life and will continue to love.

I told him a number of times what he needs to do for us to get back on track. It is plain and simple Romance My Mind it is not a hard thing to understand.. Is it? How hard is it to talk to me like a man that loves a woman? To make me laugh, complete me on the good things in life. etc. Its been 14 years and only first 7-9 years were good. However, most of them he was deployed and I had to learn to do for myself in his absence. I stopped watching the news (not that I ever really looked at) to begin with, I slept with the phone by my pillow and my laptop always on with an annoying bell sound so I would wake up when he was on messenger. Not that I ever expected a “Thank you for standing with me during this deployment” or “I know you never asked to be a single parent, but thank you for raising our kids and not leaving me during this deployment.” He is quick to tell me that I never thank him, but he has never thank me for raising our kids alone. So yes, when my mother came to live with us in GA it was an answered prayer to have her with me again. 

You know I would give anything to get a phone call, 10 page text, a hug from my mother. Come this coming October will be 2 years since breast cancer stole her from us.  He will never know what she means to me and my brother. You see I have lost my mother, both grandparents, and 2 uncles. I grew with my Uncle Sunny and took care of my Uncle Walter (while in high school) and he was in hospice. I was elementary when my Uncle Sunny died in the hospital holding my hand so you see they were there for me growing up and I was there to walk to the Upper Room. Hell the closest that I can get to my family is on vacation when travel to Texas. Now that my mother is gone my brother asks all the time “When are you all moving to Austin?” Do you know how tired I am of saying he I hate big cities blah blah blah. Well, hell I hate this hole in the ozone swamp town. Frankly, I am over the whole dang thing…

 

XOXO,

Jade