2018 I’m Trying

It’s only February and I feel like giving up and running back to my dark cave to hide.  But I am continuing to progress and try to make this year my year! I have started to send out cute pictures of me with a prayer attached through my IG which is linked to my FB and Twitter accounts. I have no idea if anyone is paying attention or even reading my posts, but I have done what God told me to do without hesitation and with a open heart.

Yesterday, I found out that my play momma (my bestie’s mom) is in the hospital with fluid around her heart.  She scared the shit out of me when she sent me a text stating that “I just want you to know that I love you an I am in the hospital.”  After losing my mother in October of 2017 this kind of text just freaked me out and sent my world screaming while trying not to relive the moment that mother died.  The she sent me another text stating “Call your sister” and that scared me even more. I called my bestie (sister) and she explained everything to me about momma’s condition. So then I was relieved, however, that was short lived.

Well, then my girl hits me with a swift upper cut and says she going to have hip surgery next week. It just seems that I get hit over the head with the fear of losing everyone that I love. I have lost my uncles, my grandparents and my mother… All I have in this world is my big brother “Batman” and my best friend! If I lost either of them then I would be alone with the exception of my kids and their father. But I would have no one left of my family. Ok Ok technically I will have 2 aunts, a multitude of cousins, 3 nieces and 2 nephews and my sister in law. Is she still considered my sister in law if something happens to my brother? Hmmm I will have to look into that…

On a lighter side of heaven I am back in school to get my associates degree in Medical Coding and Billing.  My school has given me a NEW FREE HP Laptop which I am typing this post. Thank you #UMA !!


Abuse is NEVER Ok

The one thing I have never been able to wrap my mind around is when someone says “he or she left me and I snapped and killed the love of my life.” For me if I do not want to be with you then I am going to say “this is no longer working for me and we need to move on.” If he tells me its over then I am throwing the deuce and walking away and never looking back. I have never understood teens/young adults/ adults who loose their minds over their boy or girlfriend ending the relationship.

I was watching something on ID on Own and the ex-boyfriend basically kidnapped his ex-girlfriend named Tabitha and stabbed her to the point of where she jumped out of her car (that he stole) and was hit head on by a 18 wheeler. The guy then called her step-father numerous times telling him what he did to his daughter. He later called the police and turned himself in. What baffles me is when he told the cop interviewing him “I just wanted to know when did I go from Mr. Amazing and the best thing to enter her life?” He was giving life without parole since he told them what he did and cooperated with the police.

The United Nations says “Domestic abuse, also called “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence”, can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. It can occur within a range of relationships including couples who are married, living together or dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.” Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, faith or class.

Domestic abuse is typically manifested as a pattern of abusive behavior toward an intimate partner in a dating or family relationship, where the abuser exerts power and control over the victim. Domestic abuse can be mental, physical, economic or sexual in nature. Incidents are rarely isolated, and usually escalate in frequency and severity. Domestic abuse may culminate in serious physical injury or death.

Watching On The Case with Paula Zahn where a 16 year old girl who was home sick was brutally murdered by a boy because she refused to go out with him. In what realm of the does this make since? When I started dating at the age 16 (I never dated guys my age) but that is not the point here. Dating and relationships were never (and start are not) that big of a deal to me. If it is over then it is over period. Make it make since to me where it has to end up with mother burying her daughter and the mentality of a 27 year old man who has a record for savagely abusing his former girlfriends. All because a 16 year old girl named Laurie told him no I do not want to date you? This is a whole grown ass man we are talking about here. Thank goodness DNA for the most part works and worked well in this case. This monster only got 19 years which is less than a life sentence. The mother has forgiven the man that killed her daughter. Forgiveness is not for the offender but for the mother to continue to live her life here on earth. The monster that took Laurie’s 16 year old life only served 13 years of his 19 year sentence upon his release from prison.

According to the United Nations here are somethings you can look for if you or someone you know is being abused.

Does your partner…

  • Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
  • Put down your accomplishments?
  • Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
  • Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
  • Tell you that you are nothing without them?
  • Treat you roughly—grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
  • Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
  • Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
  • Blame you for how they feel or act?
  • Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
  • Make you feel like there is “no way out” of the relationship?
  • Prevent you from doing things you want – like spending time with friends or family?
  • Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?

Do you…

  • Sometimes feel scared of how your partner may behave?
  • Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
  • Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
  • Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
  • Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
  • Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of these things are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without help, the abuse will continue. Making that first call to seek help is a courageous step.

Always remember…

  • NO ONE deserves to be abused. The abuse is not your fault. You are not alone.
  • DON’T worry about threats to your visa. We have information about visa options for your situation.
  • DON’T worry if you do not speak the local language. We can get you help in many Languages.
Power and Control Wheel https://www.un.org/sites/un2.un.org/files/power-and-control-wheel.png

The Power & Control wheel is a particularly helpful tool in understanding the overall pattern of abusive and violent behaviors, which are used by an abuser to establish and maintain control over his/her partner or any other victim in the household. Very often, one or more violent incidents may be accompanied by an array of these other types of abuse. They are less easily identified, yet firmly establish a pattern of intimidation and control in the relationship.

(Source: Developed by Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, MN, https://www.theduluthmodel.org/)

At the end of the day ladies and gentlemen if you are in and abusive relationship I want you to get out safely and get out alive and seek help from family or one of these agencies below. God loves you and know that there is a woman in Texas that loves and values your life as well.

If you or someone you know is being abused please contact:

National Domestic Violence Hotline – https://www.thehotline.org/

1.800.799.7233 or Text START to 88788

National Center for Victims of Crime 
1-855-4-VICTIM (1-855-484-2846)

Thank you all for reading and comment on my blogs. I love reading your comments.



Never Change For Anyone

I was reading my scriptures this morning and something I read hit me in my soul, because I know about each of the the things scriptures are talking about. In the following I will explain exactly what I am talking about.

It states that when life is all about us, we’re actually engaging in self-idolatry. I really never thought about it in this manner. Have you? Whenever, I am talking to him he takes whatever I said or am talking about and makes it about him. Do you know people like that? It truly gets on my nerves especially when I am trying to express my feelings to him. For example I was talking about having to be at work, leave on my lunch break (fight traffic on IH35) to pick up my kids from school and then get back on the highway to go back to work. He chimes in and says “I have to face it everyday in both directions.” That is not the point you go to work and stay at work! I get to work at 8:15 am (after taking my kids to school) when my co-workers are on their lunch I am still at work because I have to take a later lunch to go pick the kids up from school and drop them at home (which I am uncomfortable with, but I pray let God stay in control) and go back to work. I then have to get back on the highway once I clock out at 5:30pm Monday through Friday. Looking at this in black and white I am not sure that I may be indulging in self-idolatry (what do you think?) and I need to correct that.

I know that I used to hold on to the things that my grandfather used to do my mother. I held onto the hateful thing he said to me on his deathbed. I am slowly letting those things go, because I am can’t be held hostage by him and the things he did. I will say that up until the day he died I had this “Disney” version of my childhood. Granted I did n=have a good childhood. I did not lack for anything from my mother, brother, Uncle Sunny or Charlie B (my grandfather), but the day he decided to be mean and say “I thought you said you were going to take care of me when I got old” I said that when I was 5 years old. I never expected or dream that he will die let alone die of 9 different cancers that ate away at him simultaneously. When he died I was junior high what exactly could I do? He was on hospice and in a hospital bed in his bedroom of my childhood home. Instead of leaving the house that I grew up in to one his kids or his grandkids he gave it away to some dude none of us knew and donated the rest to Texas College. To this day I will never return to Tyler, TX because he made sure that I had no where to return too. It says that we deal with this kind of pain by eating, drinking, or shopping excessively. I will admit that I love to shop, but I can afford my shoes and graphic tees. I only shop after my bills and kids are taken care of and I may buy myself 2 or 3 pairs of shoes (Shoedazzle.com), get me some graphic tees from Walmart while shopping for groceries. Nine times out of ten if I am shopping for shirts my kids are getting clothes, books, etc at the same time.

It talks about the wound of rejection or neglect often leads to self-exaltation is about needing to be noticed, elevated or given compliments. I am not one that really cares to get a compliment. I have been told I do not take compliments well lol. I prefer to stay in the shadows or the background. I do not like to be in the limelight. I could never be an actor or runway model.

The wound of unworthiness can lead to self-reliance I can fall into this category easily, because I have been fighting depression for years now. Depression hit me while stationed in Georgia and my momma was living with us. He would put me in the middle by saying it was my mother or him, but one had to go. I wasn’t kicking my mother out (especially since he told her she could live with us) and that was final, but every time he picked a fight and would tell me to choose him or my mother I rejected that told him the Bible states we are to care for our parents in their old age just as they cared for us when we were young. I intend to do just that and if he wanted to go then go we would be fine. The only one to see that I was robotic in my movements, I was sleeping more, not really engaging with my kids or my mother. It was at this time I found an online game called IMVU and I could make my avatar look anyway I wanted. My avatar was scantly clad, big black wings, black horns and a tail (She was modeled after Maleficent before the movies ever came out) she was sexy and she knew it. I would stay up role playing on this game all hours the night and sleep during the morning. It feel to my mother to be up with kids and I know that was not fair to her at all. For that I have apologized to my mother before she died of breast cancer 4 years ago.

Just in case you want to know where I got this from and want to check it out for yourself please download the Bible app on your phone and then read the plan Freedom for Ladies: A Journey to Freedom in Christ.

Thank you for reading my blog and sending me your comments. You all have helped me more than you know with your kind words.



Today’s me vs Yesterday’s her

Do you ever just sit and look at yourself in the mirror? I do not mean to see if your hair is in place or make sure your make up is flawless. I am talking about using the mirror as a looking glass to see the past you and the current her?

I am very true to my Gemini sign and I know that there is me and then there is Jade my twin. My mother once said to me “I love the daughter that I gave birth too, but I hate that bitch comes around” I was around 16 or 17 when she said that to me. I have never thought of myself as a person who has multiple personalities, but I do realize that I am indeed 2 people.

Today’s me is calm, soft spoken, loving mom, sister and friend (whose circle of friends is small), hard working woman….. then there is Jade who protects me when I am pushed to the wall. If you come at me sideways and I can not deal then she comes around and will fight you tooth and nail. That battle may be verbal or physical and Jade could care less if your male or female she will take you down.

I do not like conflict and refuse to argue with fools and that one aspect pisses my spouse off because I will walk away from him (while praying for God to go take care of him) and I can feel Jade wanting to push through to kick his ass. While we both cohabitate in one body, share one mind I could never have a doctor say she has multiple personalities, because I can maintain and control myself and Jade. While those that actually have this diagnosis at some point have no control when their other personalities are going to make an appearance and there are times when they do not even know what the other personality has done.

I am a very introverted person who has no hope in humanity based on everything I see happening around me on a daily basis. My sole escape is writing in my journals, music (my biggest coping mechanism), praying, adult coloring books, watching BTS VLives and videos, watching Korean, Chinese, Thai, Japanese dramas on Viki. I have few Youtubers that I have been following for a few years that I love to watch and a couple that I have only been watching a few months. If you all get a chance to check out Zoie Fenty he does a YT show called Messy Monday (look up GOTDAMN Zo) and he is so funny, Serein Wu if you like makeup reviews, Ji Chang Wook I’m a Slacker, Maanghi she cooks traditional Korean food (street food too), Stove Top Kisses if you want some good Southern recipes (I am a Southern girl whose Grams taught her how to cook), Asian Boss to know the latest news of what is going on all over Asia, D’splay Vlog if you are a fan of Big Bang then you know this Daesung, and you love over the top just fun to chill and watch then check out Patrick Starrr.

As I sip my Thai Tea I truly do not know why I am writing about this, but I guess it is because it something that I am doing and been doing for the last 2 to 3 years. Reflection on myself. What I want out of life? Where do I want to be? Can I walk away from everything? What is happiness? What is true love? What is love period? Is this all that I am destine to be? Destined to do? These are questions that I do have in my mind and yet I have no answers too and I do not know if I will ever know the answers. I just have to trust that God did not bring me this far just to let me float in this dark abyss.

Thank you all that have been reading and following my blog since the start. Thank you to those that just found my blog. I love to read and respond to your comments.

I hope you and yours will have a beautiful night and sweet dreams!!



The World of the Missing: Why Don’t We Matter?

This is Daniel Robinson who went missing after leaving a work site in the desert in his Jeep Renegade on June 23. His father David Robinson has been looking for his son and has lost hope in the police. When we (People of Color) go missing we are not even a byline in the newspapers let alone a key story for the major news outlets. Why do People of Color not matter to you? As a mother twin 11 year old Black boys and a 14 year old Black girl these stories are the reason why they do not ride the school bus or go hang out with their little school associates with me. I take them where they need to go and if they want to go to the mall with “friends” that is fine, however, I am walking in and out of the stores with my kids. They are never out of my sight (unless it is school) and I pray over them for God to keep them safe and that no weapon formed against them will prosper.

I can totally understand why David Robinson has lost faith in the police (and probably mankind) because there was no effort for the Arizona police to go pull out all of their manpower to search for his son. Unlike in the cases of Gabby Petito, whose remains were found in Wyoming. While the world and I can sympathize with the Petito family in the loss of their child, but what about the children of color? They have families that miss them and want them found as well. This why David Robinson who lives in South Carolina had to hire a private investigator, assemble his own search party to look for his son Daniel. The media was alerted on July 9th. What sense does this make to you that the parents have to do ALL the work the police?

Still, Robinson said it’s “hurtful” to see a young White woman’s case met with more urgency and national attention than his son, who is Black. “You wish you lived in a world where everything was equal but it’s really not equal,” Robinson told CNN.

Robinson is 1 of thousands of parents of missing Black and Brown children who have gone missing and have to struggle to get the help they need to find their babies. We are tired of our missing family members cases turning into cold cases while the cases of white people go missing have headlines in all the papers and on every news outlet. White people who go missing draw out the likes Dog the Bounty Hunter, but our cases are treated as runaways and the police frankly do not care. For us to even be mentioned on the news we have to hold rallies, prayer vigils, launch our own probes while seeking the help of our community. Again, I ask you what sense does this make to you?

As a nation we are facing what some call the White Woman Syndrome  defined by the heavier media attention White women and girls receive when they go missing compared to anyone outside of those demographics, according to a study published by the Northwestern University School of Law in 2016. Zach Somers the author this studies said to CNN “As a culture we are readily willing to accept stories about White folks as victims as something we should care about,” he said. “When we see a White person who has gone missing, we say that could be my daughter, neighbor or cousin or friend… and they identify with that person and are more likely to read the story than we would if it were a person of color.”

According to the FBI’s National Crime Information Center’s list of active missing persons showed almost 90,000 active missing persons cases at the end of 2020. Of those cases, Black and Native American people made up a larger share of missing persons than their total share of the US population. (I tried to upload the graph, but none of the information showed on my blog) therefore, the numbers are truly alarming when you see it in black and white.

Share of 2020 active missing persons cases:

White – 54% (48,714 people) Share of US population – 76% (NCIC includes those that identify as Hispanic or Latino in the White category)

Black – 31% (28,203 people) US population – 13% The largest disparity is among Black people, who make up about one-third of active missing persons but only 13% of the US population.

Asian – 2% (2,035 people) Share of US population 6%

Native American – 2% (1,496 people) US population – 1%

Unknown – 10% (9,189 people)

Daniel’s car was found by a rancher 3 miles from his work site on July 19th with crash damage and clothes and belongings were found near by on. Daniel is described by his father as and outspoken geologist who loved the outside. Bob Sanders Buckeye police assistant chief tells CNN “We covered all our basis” that is simple code for Daniel most likely went off on his own and we are not going to use any resources to find him. Daniel is not important enough to us. Sanders will go on to say “department has followed up on every lead, interviewed co-workers, friends and relatives, and reviewed all evidence. As of Wednesday, no foul play is suspected in Daniel Robinson’s disappearance, Sanders said, but the investigation is ongoing. “Daniel is a member of our community and we are committed to finding him,” Sanders said. “We relate to him (David Robinson) as a father and we are trying to give him closure one way or the other.” Again, this police talk saying let’s move on from this and we hope that Daniel turns up, but if not oh well. No one can truly relate to David or any the parents I will talk about because we do not have a family that is missing. We do not have to put our own team together to do what the police will not do, because we are deemed not news worthy and important enough.

Meet Jelani Day who went missing 08/25/2021, a 25-year-old graduate student at Illinois State University whose mother said he aspired to become a speech pathologist, was reported missing on August 25 in Bloomington, Illinois. His body was found a month after he went missing and the LaSalle County coroners office identified his body by his dental records.

His mother Carmen Bolden Day has spoken out in recent days, pleading for answers and more help finding Jelani. “The Bloomington Police Department, I have been in frequent contact with them,” Day told HLN. “However, there has been no urgency. There has not been the drive to find Jelani.” I have read about this mother’s pleas through my Facebook feed and I have seen her television once compared to Gabby Petito who was every in the public media.

Meet Keeshae Jacobs who has been missing since September 26, 2016. Her mother Toni Jacobs has been looking for her baby for five years. At the time Keeshae was going to spend the night at a friends house, but she made it to her friends house. At the time of this article was written Keeshae would be 26 years old. I can not imaging the agony her mother is going through. As the mother of daughter I would be going crazy to find my baby. 14 months after Keeshae went missing the police said they suspected foul play. Toni said that when her baby went missing she was only a year younger than Gabby Petito when she went missing. Just like the previous mentioned missing people of color Keeshae did not receive the same amount of police resources or media attention. Keeshae’s mother asked a very important question of the FBI what makes her daughter’s case less important than the Petito (or any other white person that goes missing)? I do not expect that the FBI is going to answer Toni Jacobs or any of these parents of missing children of color.

This is why Derrica Wilson to launch Black and Missing Foundation, Inc. in 2008 to help raise awareness for missing people of color.  Wilson, a former law enforcement officer said ” too often police label missing Black people, including children, as runaways or suggest they were involved in criminal activity. And with most police agencies allocating minimal resources to missing persons units, people of color are more likely to fall through the cracks, Wilson said. Some of those same families have sought national and local news coverage to no avail.” Reading this just makes me a Woman of Color lose all hope in humanity, the penal system and the like because the old saying is that we have never matter to the society and that the legal system was not made for us.

Wilson said her organization is hoping to combat the issue — which she insists is the result of systemic racism — by sharing and promoting the stories of Black and brown families with missing loved ones through the media. “We look at it and we say ‘why not us?'” Wilson said. “Our families, our communities are desperate to find their missing loved ones and sadly their cases are just not taken seriously.” Earlier this year, Minnesota’s state legislature passed a bill authored by State Rep. Ruth Richardson that would create a Missing and Murdered African American Women and Girls Taskforce. Make it make sense that EVERY state does not have something like this in play and on the books already?

To my readers I do not want to you to get the wrong idea about this post. I do not want to see any family go through something like this. To have your baby go missing is hard enough, but to have the remains (lack of remains) found is not only gut wrenching, but your world comes to a complete end. That is your baby! I wanted to write this because when your are a person of color and you go missing – the police do not take our missing babies seriously. The police tell their parents that they are runaways an they will turn up in a day or two. It is bad enough the parents of these missing babies have to wait 72 hours to report them missing, but to be dismissed by the police is just too much to handle in this state of mind. What we tend to see is when Black women and girls go missing, they are much more likely to be identified as runaways and then you don’t get the same level of law enforcement engagement, support and you don’t get Amber Alerts,” Richardson said. “So there are lots of things within our systems that have been set up in ways that are really failing these families and these Black women and girls when they go missing there are no Amber alerts. Again, why are we not important enough to you? Why do our lives not matter to you? We are people, too. We have feelings, hopes and dreams just like you and we deserve to live our lives just like you.

Ellis, N. (2021) CNN. These families of missing Black people are frustrated with the lack of response to their cases.

If you have any information these missing people please contact the local police or call the police tip line.

Thank you for reading my post.



Easy On Me

I do not know if you have heard the new song by Adele Easy On Me. It is her first song since she came out with Hello. This song is about her choosing to be happy instead of being in marriage that she is not happy in and how this is going to change her son’s life.

When I listen to the song it really resonates with me on every level. Have you have ever had this happen to you? You see I have been married for 17 years and it is not that I do not love my spouse because I do, but what do you do when you are not really happy with life and everything that goes on. I thought moving back to my home state would be enough, but it is making me realize that I want more out of life and more for myself. I do not know what that is… and at this rate I don’t know that I ever will know.

This past week was the 4th year of my mother’s passing and I realize that she was right that I really do miss her now that she is gone. If I can give one piece of advise cherish your mother (or parents) because when they are gone it is hard on you to move the grief. No one understands what it is like to be the baby of my family and just how much my mother means to me. I still talk to her through my prayers everyday. I still want to pick up the phone and call her. Have her sing happy birthday to me. What I really miss is her calling my baby girl and her hugs. She gave the most amazing hugs. Someone once told me that I give great hugs. She was someone at a vendor show I was working years ago and she let her daughter be my model for my jewelry line.

I catch myself lost in thought about my past, my present and my future. I have really big dreams and sometimes I think to myself that I will never live out those dreams. I want my kids to live a dream fulfilled and live life to the fullest. I want more for them than I want for myself. That is the life of mother who loves her kids. I do not want them to struggle if they do not have too.

When I was in high school and college I would have these horrid nightmares that started out with me living my best life one moment and the next I was being rapped by a faceless man. It would start out with me happy and traveling the country with the love of my life (he was faceless too), but I always felt that I knew him and we were happy then it was dark and I was alone with evil being taking all that I had from me and I would be crying in my sleep and wake up with a soak pillow. Today is the only time I have spoken of these dreams/nightmares. I thought I had put them behind me, but it is apparent that I have not. I stopped having them once I met Dominic (my first love) then that went south due to a misunderstanding. I guess if you could have seen the look and heard his heartbreak in that moment I think you would have just walked away too. I regret not staying there at that bus stop by Highland Mall and telling him that it wasn’t what he thought. I was with my friends who happened to be boys it was nothing more than that. I waited over 2 years for him to come back from New Orleans taking care of his mother. I find myself journaling letters to him explaining that day to him and apologizing for the misunderstanding. I even tried to find him online, but I never found him (or my “father”).

It hurts knowing that I am just a little girl without a mother. I am heartbroken child with nowhere to turn or no one to talk too that will understand how I feel and how losing my mother and grandmother (they raised my brother and I) and it feels to be all alone in this world. I guess that is why I love on my kids so much and make sure they know they are loved, valued and cherished by me. I know some will read this think I am crazy and maybe I am… I do not know.

Anyway, it’s 3 am here and I need to go lay down and let this day start fresh. As always thank you for reading my blog and thank you all for the comments. I know that I do not write on here as often as I should, but life gets in my way.



The Past…Present…Future – With You

I want to start a novel of sorts about two people finding each other and following their hearts, but at times they let your current situation and even their past pain deter them from opening their hearts to anyone.

This is going to be my first and hopefully not my last attempt to write a BL story. I still need to come up the scene, characters, the plot, etc for the story. I am not sure that I want to put it on here or Wattpad. I am thinking of making about university students each in a different faculty (departments) who are in their freshman year and they encounter their Juniors/Seniors of each faculty and this is where the the stars of the story fall in love, but they do not let the other know until close to the end. What do you all think?

As you can tell from my recent posts I really watching romantic movies and dramas. While every BL drama has is own story and certainly its own drama. The scenes play beautifully when I am watching it. Each drama/ love story I get pulled into it and I am either smiling, encouraging the one character to make a move in his crush, or crying. I have to admit that dramas to me are a lot better than American dramas/soap operas. I have to say that I really like Thai BL’s and K-dramas for romance and comedy, but C-dramas are great for historical dramas.

What do you think of this as the title for my BL story? Should it be shorter or named something completely different? I really want your opinion.



Until We Meet Again….

Again, i find myself alone and crying while watching a touching and loving BL called The Year Book. Just to tell you about a small part of it – it is about two friends that truly love each other.. then one moves to Bangkok because in his junior year of high school discovers he has bone cancer in his right arm. He does not talk to his friends for 4 years until he returns to home province and his best friends ( they refer to themselves as B1 and B2). I think it hits home for me because I lost my mom to level 4 breast cancer that spread to her brain. I could not help her and I had to let her gain her wings come this October will be 4 years.

B2 did not want to burden his friends especially B1 and I think that is how my mom felt towards my brother and I in the end. I never thought I would be the one to have to make those calls and make those arrangements for my mother. I do not want my kids or anyone I love (even hate) go this kind of never ending pain. No one should have to live with seeing the one person they love the most the way I found my mother deceased on that day. I can’t cover it up and I can’t run from it. When you have no one to turn to talk about, but God and even then you do not want to burden Him continuously about your grief and sadness, because your mom is in heaven next Him and she is sad that her baby girl can’t move on….

I will say this B1 and B2 are happy in the end, but his brother and his boyfriend I am not sure they make it because of the cliff hanger in the last part of the movie. We Best Love is a C-drama BL and it is completely different from the previous BL I was talking about, but it is funny and sweet despite the drama between the 2 lead characters. I hope this one ends in and truly happy ending for both the leads. Trust me someone needs to be happy and in love, because I am not. Even in my pain and depression I may not be happy, but I still want everyone around me to be happy. I can live through bliss and know that the mask that I wear is something no one can see through. The only one that could see through it is in Heaven now.

It is easy for me to get lost in a story, plot or book because their lives although make believe are so different than mine the light and love I see and even when it makes me cry because it made me think of someone I miss like my mother or my first love. Some how I am still able to smile and make me feel a certain way. I am not talking about BL’s because I want you to watch them, but more so to understand how they make me feel and the happiness they bring me.

Depression is hard to deal with when you have no one to turn to or understand you. You would think being married he would know and understand me, but every conversation turns into a “him thing”. It stops being about me and turns to being about him. I don’t know if he does it on purpose or if he has no clue that he is doing it. But its been 17 years now nothing has changed. Then he gets mad because I do not open up to him. I do not see the point when it will cease to be about me and start to be about him. I would rather just put my feelings here and know that they are out in the atmosphere some where. What do you think? What would you do if you were me? Let me know



How Watching BL Dramas Are Making Me Better

Let me just start by saying this is going to be long probably won’t make sense to most, but that’s ok. This is really for me to put my thoughts into words.

I have been watching BL dramas for sometime now and each new drama puts me on a different roller coaster of emotions. My emotions can range from anger/hate to love. I watched one last night that put me in my feeling. It took back to my days in high school and my first love. I have often prayed to meet him one time to explain about that day that changed my life forever. I won’t go into details here, but I have talked about that day and him on my other blog. In fact I actually cried myself to sleep because of the BL that I was watching.

I truly believe that BL dramas have taught me to be a better parent and to be more open with my kids. I was raised to have an opened mind and to see people for who they are not who I think they should be. Back to my first love we left things in a sad space and for me when that happens it lives with me forever. All that I truly wan to do is tell that person I am sorry and what they saw is not what was going on. Mainly, I just want to say I am sorry. I am sure that I will never get that chance so I will have to live this.

BL dramas are sweeter and better than any soap opera on television because they are more realistic dealing with teens and college age kids, bullies, being misunderstood by peers and family, etc. Please don’t get it twisted I am not here to sell you on watching BL dramas, I am strictly talking about experience and why I like them. I will tell you that I was actually introduced to BL dramas by someone on TikTok. Most of the ones I like are Thai BL dramas.

Currently I am watching Project 7 on YouTube. I can’t stand the 2 boys that bully the cute young transfer student just because he is soft spoken, shy and different. He has someone to stand up for him… until one day on soccer field. It does not help the staff are full of idiots.

Anyways, to the person dated when I was 17 if by God’s grace you see this and you remember the day at the Highland Mall bus stop. Leave me message here.

Until next time…Let me know if you watched Project 7 and if you liked it.



Time Travel

Last night after watching a episode of How Do You Play on Viki where Rain, Yoo Jae Suk and Hyo Lee where they recreated a Idol group form the 90’s called SSAK3. At the end of that show there were notes taped to the wall from their fans telling them they took them them back to a time where they (or their parents) were young, free and happy teens or young adults.

It me cry and think what if I could go back in time to 4 different era in my own life to speak to my loved ones that I miss and my 16 year old self. My voyage would begin in when I was elementary school in Tyler, TX. I would talk to my Uncle Sunny and let him know that while at at I did not understand death, I love him very much and that as I grew up I understand why he drank. I would tell him that he is always in my heart and my mind. Next, I would go back to when I was 16 years old. I would tell my younger self not worry because your going to grow up to be a great human being, and that you will learn about yourself and the kind of woman you will become with strong opinions an thoughts. I would tell her that your going very diverse in your thinking, music and food choices. I would let her know that she has 3 amazing kids and a great mother who works hard for them. My 3rd voyage would be to go talk to my Grandmother while she was Houston before she died. I would hug and kiss her and tell her just much she means to me. I would thank her for helping my mother raise my brother and I. I would tell her just how amazing she is to me and I love her. My final voyage would be the last 4 days I got o spend my mother and I take the night before to tell her everything on my heart and let her know that she does not have to worry about my kids, me or Dedric will be fine. I would tell her I love you momma and thank you for being the greatest mother I could ever have. Thank you for loving me enough to put up with me for when I was in teens and young adult. Thank you for everything she has ever done and that she is doing from Heaven now.

If time travel were real I would make several voyages to the past and just walk around in my own life not touching or changing anything, but thanking everyone sincerely from the depths of my soul that ever meant anything to me. I am not sure that having deep thoughts like that before bed is a good thing because I do not think I actually got any good sleep last night. I woke up remembering that I wanted to write this out. I am listening to SSAK3 on YouTube.

As I groove to the jam Linda by Hyo Lee I will end this by saying that reflection is a good thing and the more I do that and get these feelings out the better and document the here the better my mental health and life in general will be.

See you later!!! Go have yourself a blessed day and tell those around you love them because tomorrow is not promised.

Last Moments

Last moments are hard to endure

I never wanted to be the one to in the room when my loved ones entered the upper chamber, but I was. I was in elementary school when my uncle died and I was in the hospital room holding his hand when. I was in Junior High/High School when Charlie B (otherwise known as my grandfather) past and I was in his room and I was there when my mother passed.

I don’t why I was chosen for this role, but I was and I remember every list moment as if it happened yesterday. My last moment with my mother will stay with me forever. I can’t escape it no matter how hard I try. I see it in my dreams, when I am lost in thought, daydreaming… I will say that my mother is still a huge part of my life and while she has been gone for about 3 years now I am still grieving and while some will say that is just too long and I need to let her go for those folks I only have this to say to you… Grieving is a process and it has no time limit.. And time does not heal all wounds and it does not make me feel any better that she is in a better place and if that makes a bad person then so be it because what buttercup I did not ask you did I?

Last moments for some are just that last moments for others like me last moments are a life time. While I can function and move on with day and do what needs to be done I still silently break down in small dark corner, pray. talk to my those that I miss especially my mother whom I am still very connected too.

It is crazy how I came about this blog post… If you have not downloaded the app Viki do so and then watch the drama Goodbye Mother… The airport scene is where it came to me…