It’s only February and I feel like giving up and running back to my dark cave to hide. But I am continuing to progress and try to make this year my year! I have started to send out cute pictures of me with a prayer attached through my IG which is linked to my FB and Twitter accounts. I have no idea if anyone is paying attention or even reading my posts, but I have done what God told me to do without hesitation and with a open heart.
Yesterday, I found out that my play momma (my bestie’s mom) is in the hospital with fluid around her heart. She scared the shit out of me when she sent me a text stating that “I just want you to know that I love you an I am in the hospital.” After losing my mother in October of 2017 this kind of text just freaked me out and sent my world screaming while trying not to relive the moment that mother died. The she sent me another text stating “Call your sister” and that scared me even more. I called my bestie (sister) and she explained everything to me about momma’s condition. So then I was relieved, however, that was short lived.
Well, then my girl hits me with a swift upper cut and says she going to have hip surgery next week. It just seems that I get hit over the head with the fear of losing everyone that I love. I have lost my uncles, my grandparents and my mother… All I have in this world is my big brother “Batman” and my best friend! If I lost either of them then I would be alone with the exception of my kids and their father. But I would have no one left of my family. Ok Ok technically I will have 2 aunts, a multitude of cousins, 3 nieces and 2 nephews and my sister in law. Is she still considered my sister in law if something happens to my brother? Hmmm I will have to look into that…
On a lighter side of heaven I am back in school to get my associates degree in Medical Coding and Billing. My school has given me a NEW FREE HP Laptop which I am typing this post. Thank you #UMA !!
This year started off decent I supposed. Then Corona hit like a hurricane that shut the world down in the blink of an eye. I have not watched the news in 16 years and this year is proof as why I stopped watching all news outlets.
Seeing cops kill Black/Brown and Indigenous men, women and kids for no reason, but the uprising of the “Karens” and “Kens” that think they are entitled to call the police on people who speak Spanish in the Walmart parking lot or little girl selling water on her stoop. Now there are 5 young men that were HUNG from trees in the California, Texas and New York. The police and coroner’s office want to sweep this under the rug and label them as suicide. One of these young Black man was only 17 years and was found hanging from a tree in the elementary school playground. A Latino man was found in Houston, TX why would these men kill themselves? Where are the suicide notes? Let’s face the first man that was found in Victorville, CA was hung with a USB cable how does work? How did he climb the tree was he a wizarding student at Hogwarts? I think not! This goes for all 5 young men that were murdered. The only place to do a hate crime probe is in Oakland, CA only after 5 nooses were found hanging from trees (reports Democracy Now on June 18, 2020).
So 2020, I have to say it is YOU not me and we need to break up immediately! Between the murders of George Floyd, Rayshard Brooks, and Ahmaud Arbery to the biggest fool/clown in the White House who is just spewing rhetoric and racism and inciting ALL of the other racists to come out in droves across this country! Do we as a nation need more of this moron in the Oval office? I say HELL NO!! This is no longer about party lines, but saving LIVES. I should not have to talk to my 3 beautiful kids about Race in America, White privilege and how to act if a Karen/Ken or cop stops them. I should not have to worry about my 5 nieces and nephews while they try to live their lives in peace.
2020 is supposed to be a year of vision and I have to say that is indeed true, because my eyes are wide open now to those who are “white washing” our/ my history in the school books to going back to the times of slavery where we are being lynched and murdered solely for the color of skin. Funny thing is the more hate I see in this world more WOKE I become in how my life and the lives of my children are changing daily. For instance my house hold is one of interracial marriage and we are raising 3 biracial kids. I am a mixed race woman married to a white man. He is a Army vet that has seen death and been in arms way in Kuwait, Iraq and Afghanistan yet I can not talk race relations with him, because he does not understand what it is be a Black person in 2020 or at all. When trying to discuss racial issues he will want to talk about what is in the history books and frankly to call him out he will just go on and on until I grow tired and just walk away from him. I refuse to argue with a fool. My history is way deeper than what he learned in school. The vision of 2020 is showing me that when you are Black/Brown and Indigenous we are chattel to do with as the “Mister/Master” chooses.
What seems to be forgotten is that I an my Kings and Queens of Brown/Black an Indigenous know where we come from. We know where we were stolen from and the land we was kicked off of and consequently killed for by the Colonials. As Louis Farrakhan once said “When you tell us to go back to where we come from, be careful because can you tell them where you come from?” So again 2020 I am completely over you and your bull shit just pack your shit and hit the bricks and do not look back, because you are no longer welcomed. Take your racist leader and his cronies with you when you go.
I will leave you with these parting words “All lives will ONLY matter once Black/Brown.LGBTQ+and Indigenous matter” and to all the Karen’s and Ken’s of the world STFU and leave people alone!
#BLM #IndigenousLivesMatter #LGBTQMatters
I have started to keep a timed schedule so that I can write for 15 minutes or more a day. I will tell you up front that I am not a person that is good with words or one to get really deep into my personal business, but I have read somewhere that your change your fear into control if you make a “DO IT” list instead of a “Honey Do” or “Need To Do” list. When you make this kind of list with a time schedule. For me I have set aside daily at 1:30 pm to log on and write something about my life and how I am feeling.
Today, I am a bit late it doing this because I was doing my nails. I am not the kind of girl that just files, buffs and paints her nails. No ma’am I do my own acrylics. Therefore, I have to put on the nail tips, clip to the appropriate length, file and buff. After, all that I have to get my acetone polish remover, acrylic liquid, nail brush to apply all liquids. Then I have to apply acrylic liquid and acrylic nail powder on the tip. From this point it is crazy to just keep typing the same thing over and over –I won’t do that.
Well, all that I have left to do is file, buff and paint once I get back from picking up my kids from school. I will say that I know why you see nail techs wearing face masks lol this stuff stinks to high heaven for sure. The smell takes over the whole house. Thank goodness it does not last long.
Today, is fairly decent, however, I am having that kind of day where I hate my body and all I see is F.A.T and that fat girl from high school and college is resurfacing and I don’t know how to get rid of her. I want that slender, sexy woman that weighed 149lbs back. Uggg such is my life right now.
God is good..
All the time God good